'I'm not right-wing, I just agree with everything right-wingers say and do'

A MAN who voices right-wing views, reads right-wing media and agrees with all right-wing policies is definitely not right-wing, he has confirmed. 

Jack Bates, a Daily Telegraph reader who thinks the NHS is overfunded and Scotland needs slapping down, denies that his backing for reactionary social policies and trickle-down economics makes him anything other than a moderate centrist and classic floating voter.

He said: “Just because I believe in flat taxes, halting all immigration and that climate change is a myth, people wrongly assume that I’m some sort of Tory.

“It’s stereotyping. The moment I start voicing my opinion that there shouldn’t be a safety net for the elderly or the disabled and that all employment rights should be abolished, people start tarring me with the ‘right-wing’ brush.”

“Maybe I’ve voted Conservative. Maybe I was a member for a while. Maybe I still am a member and I wrote to Boris Johnson demanding that transes not be allowed to drive after I read a Daily Mail article about it. But I don’t see how that makes me a ‘gammon’.”

“Honestly, if liberal snowflakes keep claiming I’m right-wing, I might just start sliding right. They’re far less judgemental and open to debating issues like whether non-property owners should have the vote.”

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Dinosaurs extinct because they voted Tory

SCIENTISTS have discovered the extinction of the dinosaurs was caused by their continuous election of Conservative governments.

The Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, which took place 66 million years ago, has been blamed on an asteroid but was actually caused by between 12 and 15 years of Tory government.

Archaeologist Joseph Turner explained: “The discovery of Torysaurus inutilis, a kind of bloated T-rex without the ability to feed itself, led to a new theory of extinction.

“These dinosaurs ruled a society based on a self-destructive form of democracy, where through domination of prehistoric media the velociraptors and brotosaurs were persuaded to continuously back them against their own economic interests.

“The ruling elite made everything worse, consuming all resources and leaving those who supported them unable to heat themselves or to travel to other regions but voting Tory anyway through fear of what would happen if they didn’t.

“The last of the species reigned supreme, but with no rivals, no possible mates and arms to short to perform any function, caused the extinction of every other dinosaur by selfish, idiot greed. The real asteroid was being shit-thick.

“I don’t think there’s too much to learn from this. We’re probably fine continuing as we are.”