New couple wondering if they're ready to have first date without alcohol

A COUPLE who have been seeing each other for several weeks are deciding if they are ready to spend time together while not absolutely pissed.

Lauren Hewitt and James Bates are tentatively aiming to be sober when they next meet up, having spent previous dates getting shitfaced and slurring nonsense at each other.

Hewitt said: “It’s a big step for any new couple, hanging out without being drunk and discovering just how tedious we find each other.

“But it’s important that James gets to know the real me, and not the one who has just necked an entire pitcher of Long Island iced tea and is calling the staff at Wetherspoons wankers because they won’t put ‘Mr Brightside’ on, even though they have a no music policy.”

Bates said: “I must admit I’m nervous about taking this leap. I’m at my most confident after five pints of Grolsch, and I’m sure I’m much better looking in Lauren’s eyes when she’s got her beer goggles on.

“My other worry is that she’ll be able to remember what the sex is like if we’re not hammered. So I suspect that, once she’s soberly experienced my fumblings in the vague direction of her clitoris followed by a 90-second shag, she’ll be keen to get back on the sauce.”

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Ozzy Osbourne flogging I can't Believe It’s Not Butter!: the weirdest celebrity endorsement ads

ONE of the best things about being a celebrity is being rich. Which makes the decisions of some of them to flog these products all the more baffling.

Kim Kardashian – Charmin toilet paper

Before the Kardashians completely engulfed popular culture, Kim was scraping a living as a celebrity brand ambassador opening promotional stalls for Charmin in Times Square, and the association still lingers. Do we really want to be thinking about a beautiful, wealthy woman while wiping excrement from our own undercarriages? Not really.

Ozzy Osbourne – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!

Who better to take your advice on food from than a man who obliterated his taste buds with booze, drugs and fags during the 1980s? Given that the thing Ozzy is most famous for eating is the head of a bat, his seal of approval is probably worth less than the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! PR team had hoped.

JLS – Durex condoms

You spent months working up the courage to ask out your sexy colleague and, to your astonishment, they agreed. Now, the date’s going well and you’re back at their flat getting ready to shag – except, what’s that? You’ve reached for a johnny and found yourself staring at the face of Aston Merrygold. The sexual tension immediately deflates along with your penis.

John Lydon – Country Life butter

The spreadable fats industry seems to have an obsession with ageing rockstars, but there’s nothing more tragic than watching a gurning pensioner with purple hair trying to flog processed dairy. If someone gave Johnny Rotten a time machine in 1977 so he could see himself hawking butter, he’d save us all some time and punch himself in the face.

Iggy Pop – Swiftcover insurance

One of the more bizarre collaborations was Iggy Pop trying to flog insurance on television. Is there any greater nail in the coffin of a rockstar’s career than advising you to take out third party theft insurance? Especially a man who has so abused his body that any health cover provider would laugh in his drug-addled face.

Jackie Chan – Woolworths

It would be a safe bet to say that Jackie Chan had little idea of what a Woolworths was and never set foot inside one, but he was happy to make some cash from endorsing it nonetheless. Unfortunately for Woolworths however, they encountered the one enemy that the star of The Tuxedo couldn’t defeat with kung-fu: financial insolvency.