Smeg kettle and Smeg toaster mean nothing if you don't own Smeg fridge

SMALLER Smeg appliances are in no way impressive unless complementing a huge Smeg refrigerator, homeowners have confirmed. 

Martin Bishop, whose kitchen boasts the full trifecta, recently visited a friend who had purchased a Smeg kettle and, pathetically, thought it worth being proud of.

He said: “Nathan took me into his new fitted kitchen – Ikea – and pointed out the matching Smeg kettle and toaster in cream as if these artefacts elevated his social status.

“He asked if I wanted to ‘have a hold’ as if they were newborn twins and I told him the same thing I told my sister when my niece arrived: No thanks!

“Offering me a coffee he said ‘I’ll fire up the Smeg’ and I’m sure at one point he referred to toast as ‘Smeggy bread’. Meanwhile his fridge is a crappy LG! Doesn’t he realise that the smaller appliances are just accessories?

“It’s the Smeg fridge which separates the men from the boys, the haves from the have-nots, the pretentious wankers from the rich wankers. I’ve invited him to mine, pretending it’s to watch football, but really just to show him what a decent kitchen looks like.”

Nathan Muir said: “I love my Smeg kettle, it lets you select the temperature of the water. I normally choose 100 degrees.”

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We ask you: will United beat City in today’s FA Cup final, or does the world make sense?

MANCHESTER United play rivals Manchester City in today’s FA Cup final, but would a shock win cause the magnetic poles to reverse and the dead to walk the earth? 

Denys Finch Hatton, physicist: “The unlikelihood of a United win is up there with the discovery of the Higgs boson. I believe it would destroy reality and reverse time. But I said the same about Wimbledon beating Liverpool in 1988, and I was wrong then.”

Lucy Parry, electrical engineer: “It’s surpassingly unlikely, probably about 25 million to one. Or f**k all, compared to the chance of Ten Hag keeping his job.”

Susan Traherne, futurologist: “Imagine going back to 1999, when City were in the third tier and United winning the treble, trying to convince fans this was coming. Hilarious. I might do that instead of killing Hitler.”

Bill McKay, cab driver: “I still reckon Chelsea might win it. People are writing them off because they got knocked out in the third round but they could surprise you.”

Oli O’Connor, spade designer: “Doesn’t really matter to me. Or to the footballers playing in the match itself.”