BRITAIN’S neighbours intend to trim their hedges relentlessly until Autumn, they have announced.
Annoying neighbours say the only sound people will be hearing for the entire summer is the loud grinding of trimmer blades as they obsessively hack away at hedges and shrubs.
Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “I’ll be going at it like a madman all day, every day, all summer. You’d think I’d run out of things to trim, but I fucking won’t.
“The ‘sound of the summer’ won’t be some catchy, mellow pop hit, it’s going to be the shriek of my trimmer cutting through the peaceful summer air every time you want to sit in the garden and chill out.”
Homeowner Norman Steele said: “I’ve just invested in a particularly powerful Bosch. This bad boy will drown out every radio for 300 yards and you’ll have to close your windows even if it’s sweltering.
“Rest assured I’ll be doing weird things like starting at 7am on Saturdays for some reason. If I run out of hedges I’ll start on the flowers and trees. Then the dog’s getting a haircut.
“I’m not even sure why I’m doing it. I suppose it must just be the enormous sexual thrill.”