Thank f**k it's hat season, say baldies

BRITAIN’S bald men are absolutely delighted that hat season has come around again. 

The men, who now have a solid reason for wearing hats at all times outdoors and frequently indoors for the next five months minimum, have confirmed that it is their favourite time of the year.

34-year-old Tom Logan said: “I wear a baseball cap in the summer. But everyone knows why.

“Now, I cruise around the cold streets in my knit cap feeling like everyone else, secure that I won’t be questioned, enjoying the warm, snug feeling on my head that reminds me of what having hair used to be like.

“I see my contemporaries with their full, resplendent barnets cramming them under hats, sweating it out and suffering terrible hat hair, and for a moment I can feel superior to them.

“My extensive wardrobe of hats is back in play. I can switch up my looks. I get compliments on them from kind girls who know how hard I’ve tried. Fingers crossed for a new ice age.”

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Five people who would make better caretaker prime ministers than Jeremy Corbyn

THE Liberal Democrats are determined to stop Jeremy Corbyn becoming temporary prime minister, even if it risks a no-deal Brexit. Who would be a better choice? 

Nick Clegg

In the same spirit as Britain’s Got Talent bringing back champions from previous series, the UK could unite behind the idea of letting ol’ Cleggy have the job he dreamed of for just a few days. Just to see the happy smile on his boyish face before he vanishes back into obscurity forever.

The Queen

After the parade of imbeciles she’s watched run her country into the ground over the last 67 years, it’s surely fair for Her Majesty to step in for a couple of weeks. Could it be worse? Even if she does let Prince Philip use the Mall as his own personal drag-racing strip?

A golden retriever

Furious about Boris being usurped as PM? This blonde, overexcitable idiot will run around in circles barking at nothing then without warning hump your leg, so it’s just like the real thing. Watch him arrive at the EU summit with a letter of extension in his mouth!

Any caretaker from Scooby-Doo

The caretaker in Scooby-Doo always warns darkly of terrible consequences if their words are ignored before being unmasked as a conniving criminal who would have got away with it if not for those meddling kids. Which is ultimately what happens to all prime ministers with the electorate as the Scooby gang.

A potato

It’s silent, damp and comes from an allotment. It’s basically Jeremy Corbyn but wearing a more stylish jacket.