Pizza Hut is all we deserve, says Britain

BRITAIN has agreed that it no longer deserves Pizza Express and will go back to Pizza Hut. 

Pizza Express’s debt restructuring, which is probably because of Brexit which we voted for, will soon see the chain vanish along with anything else nice, leaving the UK with the dining options of Harvester, Berni Inn or Wimpy.

It will also be possible to eat at a Toby Carvery on a Sunday, but only if you are a UK passport holder. All salad bars will be removed to stop customers being overwhelmed by freshness and choice.

Former Pizza Express regular Tom Logan said: “It was good whilst it lasted, but I guess now it’s time for Britain to travel back in time a few decades to when going out for a meal was utterly dreadful.

“All the Indians and the Chinese places are going, obviously. Nandos will shut its doors because your gran thinks it’s ‘too spicy’. A slap up meal will be liver and onions at the Little Chef or, if you’re feeling really fancy, a mixed grill at the local Beefeater.

“It’s what we deserve for being a nation of myopic, inward looking idiots obsessed with the past, because the past was basically shit.”

Bill McKay of Uttoxeter said: “I hope they don’t do more than three types of pizza. Choice confuses me and I don’t think it should be allowed.”

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Johnson doesn't know meaning of 'favourable treatment', says anyone who's slept with him

BORIS Johnson’s lovers have confirmed that Jennifer Arcuri cannot have received ‘favourable treatment’ because he does not know what it means.

One woman who slept with the prime minister said: “Johnson is the type of man who thinks he’s treating you ‘favourably’ if he calls you a ‘fine fillie’ or offers to sign your breasts.

“Which is a proposition he’ll offer to every fair-haired female Tory under the age of 35, with no favouritism at all.”

Another source added: “The next morning he offered to take me to brunch with Michael Gove and Sarah Vine. No-one would call that favourable treatment.

“I do have some sympathy for the man. He spreads himself so thinly he has trouble remembering how many children he has.”