The 10 best wanks of 2023

WE’VE all got our opinions on the best albums, films and TV shows of the year, but which wanks really stood out from the crowd in 2023? Here are our picks.

New Year’s Day hangover wank, January

Wanking temporarily blots out hangovers, which was a godsend after New Year’s Eve. It’s hard to tell what was more orgasmic, the orgasm or the brief respite from wanting to vomit tequila-tinged stomach bile. But whether you were rubbin’ the nubbin or choking the chicken it was a great start to the wanking year.

Hot new colleague wank, March

A Tom Holland/Anya Taylor-Joy lookalike joined your office, so naturally they were copy-and-pasted into your wank fantasies. They’d be mortified to know this, but as Oscar Wilde said, ‘There is only one thing in life worse than being wanked over, and that is not being wanked over.’ Tell them that, they’ll appreciate it.

Stranger Things-inspired wank, May 

Like any completely normal person, you’ve carried a massive torch for Winona Ryder since 1988 and Heathers. So Winona’s role in the fourth series of Stranger Things was a great opportunity for a catch-up. Meanwhile mnemonically agile ladies could take the opportunity to frig themselves senseless over the young Christian Slater.

New fibre-optic broadband wank, June 

You’re pretty tech-savvy, but fibre-optic broadband surprised you with its speed and efficiency, leading to a weekend spent in a virtual tsunami of tits and fannies. It’s no wonder Tim Berners-Lee didn’t invent anything else after the internet, he was too tired.

‘Barbenheimer’ wank, July 

The simultaneous release of Barbie and Oppenheimer was a great chance to wank over Margot Robbie or Cillian Murphy. Or you could opt for back-to-back wanking over Emily Blunt, Florence Pugh or Ryan Gosling. After the disappointment of Tenet, Christopher Nolan showed he was back on the same wanking form as The Dark Knight Rises with Anne Hathaway in a catsuit. 

Lionesses support wank, August 

You enthusiastically supported the Lionesses, although mainly the fit ones like Alex Greenwood and Chloe Kelly. As a man, you’re just glad you’re enlightened enough to realise the women’s game is just as valid as the men’s, and in some ways much better. 

Delayed gratification homeworking wank, September

Homeworking has taken the sparkle out of onanism, making it too easy to listlessly wank numerous times a day. That was until you decided to have a self-imposed ban on wanking. The first wank after a period of abstinence was excellent, and you boss even noticed an improvement in your work. Yes, not wanking for that whole hour really paid dividends.

Romantic wanking ‘weekend’, September

Your employer put you in a surprisingly nice hotel for a brain-deadening conference in Leeds. With a little imagination, this was like a romantic weekend break for you and your hand. And what fervent masturbator wouldn’t enjoy the luxury of crisp new Kleenex every night?

Taylor Swift Eras wank, October 

Although you’re not a ‘Swiftie’ in the traditional sense of listening to her music, Taylor in her sparkly leotard obviously merited a wank. Ideally you’d have liked to have wanked over Eras on the big screen, but you’ve been banned from all Odeon cinemas since Salma Hayek in The Eternals.

Surprise Christmas advertising wank, December

The barrage of desperate Christmas advertising resulted in men spanking the monkey over an anonymous Shein lingerie model, while women in Bradford were moved to rub one out by a local gym flyer with a stock image of a particularly buff man exercising in tiny lycra shorts. It marked the end of an eventful year of wanking, and now Britons are looking forward to more self-abuse when they fail to pull on New Year’s Eve. 

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Secret plan to cancel Christmas thwarted by journalists for 23rd year running

FEARLESS investigative right-wing journalists have once again managed to stop a conspiracy to cancel Christmas.

A cabal of militant Muslims, Labour councils and do-gooders wanted to ban the festive season, meaning that any reference to baby Jesus or Santa would have been somehow forbidden and putting up decorations would result in criminal proceedings.

But thanks to the efforts of angry tabloid columnists working closely with journalists at The Telegraph and The Sunday Times, none of these things materialised in any form whatsoever. 

Telegraph reporter Tom Booker said: “Every year it gets worse. If these plotters had their way it wouldn’t be ‘Christmas’, it’d be ‘Wokemas’, ‘Muslim-mas’ or ‘Corbynmas’.

“Luckily we found a way to stop the town hall Talibans and Britain-hating liberals – we pulled the whole thing completely out of our arses. There’s no more effective way to stop something happening than it not existing in the first place.

“That’s how we stole a march on the PC-Remoaner-Islamist brigade. Rather than talk to any of them – they’d just deny everything like they do every year – we focus very much on what we think they’re planning. 

“I’m pretty they want Rudolph to wear a burqa this year. I definitely imagined that.

“And that’s how Christmas was saved by tireless, underpaid voices in the wilderness like Richard Littlejohn, Julie Burchill and me. So merry Christmas, one and all, except asylum seekers.”