The house is shrinking, Britons report

BRITONS under lockdown have confirmed that their homes appear to be getting a tiny bit smaller every day. 

Residents estimate that somehow at least an inch of each room is disappearing every 24 hours, leaving them unable to walk across it without tripping over a pair of f**king shoes.

Francesca Johnson said: “This isn’t just my imagination. I can touch the TV with my foot from the settee now. It used to be miles away.

“This was a big house once. Now we’re all bumping elbows at the kitchen table and there’s clutter piled everywhere. By the end of lockdown it’ll be roughly the size of a static caravan.”

Physics professor Denys Finch Hatton said: “No, this isn’t an illusion caused by being locked in the house for most of a year. It’s a rare phenomenon of quantum physics caused by the density of observers in a location. So, yeah, basically they’re shrinking.

“Soon even wealthy families in nine-bed farmhouses will be living and sleeping in a single room, while single people in studio apartments will be standing in cupboards.

“However, you must of course continue to pay the same rent and mortgages.”

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Who are you trolling online?

DELIBERATELY angering strangers on the internet is the UK’s top new lockdown hobby. So who are you trolling this weekend? 


Now Brexit has happened, the Remainers’ reward has finally arrived – the delicious moment of ‘I told you so’. Every news story about post-Brexit trade problems, and there are many, is the perfect place to head to the comments and innocently enquire what anyone expected would happen when we left the EU, then harvest the rage.


Just because Remainers lost in 2016, lost every battle for a second referendum and lost the argument for a soft Brexit, doesn’t mean it’s time to stop mocking them. Find a pro-EU enclave on Twitter and point out all of those failures, then condescendingly tell them they never understood Britain’s love of freedom.

MAGA bros

The great thing about transatlantic trolling is that America is awake when Britain isn’t. Check time zones, head to a local newspaper in a red state and start making deliberately provocative factual statements like ‘Trump lost the election and won’t be president by Friday’. Then watch the fireworks.

Football fans

A practice as old as time given a digital makeover. There’s no better way to while away an evening than going to online Liverpool FC communities, posing as a supporter and saying ‘I think this might not be our year and we underestimated Solskjaer to be honest’. Your name will live in infamy for generations.

That twat Nathan Muir from school

Less trolling and more indulgence of a long-time personal grudge, but those needling little comments under his social media updates are working. Another couple of years and he’ll be as broken as you were when he kicked you in the nuts after Geography.