FINDING it hard not to share your inane thoughts with the internet? Learn how to quit Facebook and Twitter for good with this guide from former social media addict Donald Trump.
Post dubious statuses
Going cold turkey never works – you need to wean yourself off gradually by sharing blatant lies about a democratic process. The free speech stifling bosses will try to hide your ramblings or slap them with some bullshit disclaimer, which will give you a taste of what life is like without social media.
Incite a mob
If you haven’t got 88 million followers this might be a bit tricky. But have a go at encouraging rioters to storm the headquarters of a divided democracy anyway. It still wasn’t enough to get me booted off, but I reckon it definitely helped in some small way.
Refuse to accept responsibility
Once you’ve tried to stop a completely legitimate president taking over, double down on the insanity by spouting lies in all caps. This will lead to your account being suspended for a short period of time roughly four years later than it should have been. But you’re not free yet.
Try your associated accounts
You’ve probably got some secondary accounts you’ve forgotten about, so try to log in to these in a desperate attempt to feed your addiction. With any luck you’ll discover these have been deactivated too, so you won’t be tempted to tweet ‘NUKE MIKE PENCE!!!’ the next time you’re bored taking a dump.
Fail to join Parler
After a few hours without social media access you’ll go into withdrawal and try to set up an account on far-right loony bin Parler. Luckily for you this platform favoured by conservative fruit loops has been shut down. Now you’re free to pollute the world via different media such as your own TV channel.