The overweight guy's guide to going topless in public

IF you’re an overweight, overconfident man and you’re outdoors, it’s time to get that shirt off and flaunt that impressive belly. Here are some tips on how best to do it:

Have the self-confidence of a man with visible abs

Yes, technically you have breasts, but who cares? In the park or pub beer garden let everyone stare at you with awe and attraction. You are God’s gift to women, particularly after a large amount of Stella, which is great for improving your body confidence.

Pair your naked torso with shorts two sizes too small

Being naked from the waist up simply isn’t enough. Pick shorts that barely fasten and are mostly hidden by a hairy, overhanging stomach. It’s all about making sure every part of your body is as visible as possible, as everyone definitely wants to see it.

Make sure you’re in a crowded place

It’s no good keeping your sweaty torso to suitable spaces like the beach – people innocently going about their daily business need to see it, too. A busy high street is good, or a supermarket. Make sure as many people as possible get to see this supersized Adonis.

Don’t worry about being extremely sweaty or sunburnt

Vast amounts of sweat are healthy and show your body is working efficiently, although you may start to smell a bit as the day wears on. As for lobster-look sunburn, this just shows you’re the sort of rugged alpha male who isn’t troubled by a bit of extreme discomfort. Again, plenty of alcohol helps.

Do something inappropriate

Invade some personal space. Draw a hilarious face on your belly and show it to people. Fish around in your bellybutton and inspect the findings. This is your moment – live it up!

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Millions exercise judgement not to be arsed to wear masks

MILLIONS of Britons have carefully weighed the pros and cons of wearing masks and decided ‘F**k it, if we don’t have to, let’s not’.

Using their sense of personal responsibility, they feel that the minor inconvenience of putting a small piece of cloth over their nose and mouth is not worth it to save the lives of thousands of people, including themselves.

Sales executive Stephen Malley said: “There have been countless peer-reviewed papers, information campaigns and health warnings, all of which are worthy of consideration.

“However, everything really boils down to one fundamental question: do I really give a f**k? And my considered response is ‘nah’.”

Shop assistant Nikki Hollis said: Boris Johnson got it disastrously wrong about six times when it comes to the pandemic. What are the odds he’d be wrong a seventh time? They have to be astronomical. No one can be wrong that often.

“I’ve thought about it as hard as I can be arsed to. Off comes the mask.”

Pensioner Norman Steele said: “Frankly, I think wearing a mask now, after our government has basically told us not to bother, is just being plain ‘woke’. I’ll tell you who else wore masks – the IRA and the Angry Brigade, that’s who.

“I can’t be doing with masks anymore. Yes, people die but as long as it’s in Birmingham or somewhere, who cares?”