UNSURE how this whole parenting thing is done and looking for reassurance? These parenting manuals will each undermine your confidence in a different way:
The continental earth mother
Relax, learn to put your child’s needs first, breastfeed them until they’re six and spend hundreds of euros on educational wooden toys from a sophisticated nation like France, Germany or Norway. Never stop your child from making a foul mess with paint, mud or your hopes and dreams.
The know-it-all psychotherapist
Investing in a manual by a qualified medical professional, backed up by scientific research, means you can be fully confident in the knowledge that you are f**king up your child no matter what you do. It’s all your fault for not having infinite time and patience.
The ‘real mummy’
No qualifications, no theories, simply an enthusiastic and kind stay-at-home Mummy who just happens to be a talented cook, keen crafter, and abundant fountain of energy and joy. One day of trying to parent like her and you’ll feel so bad about your failings you’ll stick your head in the Little Tikes oven.
The working woman who’s never had kids
If you want to be told it’s definitely ok to put yourself first, this is the book for you. But you’ll need to switch off all empathy to leave your kid crying and screaming until they calm, and once it’s off you may never care about any other person ever again like she clearly doesn’t.
The witty pisshead
Reads less like a parenting manual and more like an overly honest account of a frolicsome piss-artist’s descent into alcoholism and despair. But by God is Boozy Mumsy a good laugh! Here’s hoping nobody calls social services on her because those outrageous anecdotes are comedy gold!