The regular's guide to picking yourself up and rebuilding your life if Wetherspoons is sold

JD WETHERSPOON is selling off 32 pubs due to rising costs, in a crushing blow to pissheads who practically live there. Here’s how to have some sort of life if your local Spoons closes.

Get to know your wife and kids

You don’t see much of your family, and may not be sure how many of them there are. But who knows, they might turn out to be quite interesting and even loveable. Probably not, which is why you prefer Spoons, but it’s worth a go. For the first few months name badges are totally acceptable.

Take up a hobby

A hobby might fill the black void in the middle of your soul where Spoons used to be. You probably won’t get into watercolours or hang-gliding because they’re for poofs, so the obvious choice is home brewing, which will certainly provide you with cheap and unpleasantly heavy beer. Sadly drinking alone in your shed will lack the camaraderie and witty banter of sitting in Wetherspoons occasionally muttering, ‘Want another?’   

Find another cheap pub

Easier said than done. It won’t have the same buying power as Wetherspoons for laughably cheap booze, and it will lack that sterile-yet-dirty atmosphere you love. Like a bereavement, you’ll just have to accept that your favourite sticky table is gone and is never coming back. 

Learn to cook in the Wetherspoons style

You’ll feel you’re back in Spoons as you tuck into a bowl of microwaved chicken wings optimistically called a ‘Tex Mex BBQ Special’. However you should mainly eat Spoons-style full English breakfasts with at least two cheap sausages. Your doctor may claim this is somehow unhealthy, but that idiot thought Covid was real and not a hoax.

Set up an online Spoons

Everyone’s on bloody computers these days, so get a young relative to set you up on Skype, where you can have a half-arsed chat about football with other former regulars while getting shitfaced on Old Peculiar. For the full Wetherspoons experience don’t go straight to your bathroom when you need a piss, go outside and walk down some side streets first.

Make Remoaners feel uncomfortable in pubs

Spoons was a Brexiter’s pub, so it was important to make Remoaners feel slightly scared. Relive those happy times in other pubs by staring aggressively at anyone you hear slagging Brexit, or giving them a piece of your mind. Be warned though – they’ll try to catch you out by asking you to name a single tangible benefit. F**king clever dicks.

Move somewhere with a Wetherspoons

Your family will kick up a fuss about leaving friends, relatives and local schools behind, but sometimes you have to follow your destiny. You won’t be able to hear the unadventurous bastards anyway when you’re on your seventh pint in Spoons.

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Five ways to explain the economy is f**ked to someone who doesn't want to hear it

IS someone you know infuriatingly indifferent about Britain’s economy, or maybe a head-in-the-sand Tory? Here’s how to explain in language they’ll understand.

No, you still can’t afford to buy a house

House prices are predicted to fall by 10 per cent. Time to celebrate, right? No. Rising interest rates will mean fewer mortgages are available and inflation means you’ll have less money to save anyway. And your rent will go up. Your dream of smugly showing off your new taps and tiny garden is as far away as ever.

Your mortgage payments are going to be f**king massive

Oh, you’ve already got a mortgage? Hopefully you just secured a new fixed-rate deal, or you’ll suddenly be paying through the nose because Kwasi and Liz fancied a gamble. Shame you overreached yourself to get an extra bedroom for a home gym, you aspirational twat.

You can only holiday in Luton

You love a foreign holiday, right? Tough shit, you can’t afford to go abroad, and if you get there you can’t afford to buy anything because the pound is f**ked. All you can manage now is a weekend at a Travelodge in Luton. The nearest you’ll get to an authentic week in Tuscany is going off the beaten track, to Stevenage.

You might end up an old lady living under a bridge

Pensions nearly went into insolvency this week, which doesn’t bode well for the future. You’ve always been told that if you don’t have a pension you’re screwed, but now it looks like you’re screwed if you have one too. Invest in a high-quality sleeping bag instead.

You are trapped on an island run by nutjobs

Despite a disaster this week which has been compared to Black Wednesday, the prime minister and her chancellor are pretending everything is totally fine. If you’re also able to shrug it off, you totally deserve Truss and Kwarteng’s next mad economic policy, eg. selling the NHS to a fracking company for £1.