INFLATION got you worried? Bills rocketing? Can’t pay rent? Not me, because I’m a tight bastard. Let me show you how to cut costs to zero:
Get another job
If you’re in a job that pays the living wage, you need at least two other similarly paid jobs to afford necessities like a pot to piss in. Brilliantly, this also means no time at home to run up bills and no money frittered on nights out. Relentless toil also stops you wasting your time on profitless activities such as sleeping.
Wear a big jumper
Everyone’s terrified about being landed with an extortionate energy bill, but the most cost effective way to stay warm is to wear a big jumper and thermal leggings at all times. It doesn’t cost anything to exercise a bit of common sense, you know. Turn off the water so your pipes don’t freeze.
Live under a bridge
If you’re renting you’re flushing money down the toilet every month. If you own your own place you’re in a housing bubble about to burst. But bridges are free to live under and all you have to put up with is the cold, possible tidal waters, and the thundering cacophony of traffic rolling overhead.
Don’t do anything
Everything costs money. Even going for a walk demands that you spend upwards of £7 on clothes and shoes. To really look after the pennies you find a vacant corner in a library or branch of CEX and curl up in it for a couple of decades. With any luck you might luck into a long, cost-free afterlife as a ghost.
Sell your body
Chiselling out your own kidneys to afford gas isn’t a sign of Western civilisation in decline. It’s a side hustle, and if you stream that shit on YouTube you’ll earn pennies in ad revenue. Try to save hawking your eyes on the dark web until last or it’ll make chopping off your own limbs more difficult.