WE’RE halfway through a month of gruelling self-improvement, from temperance to exercise to chugging oat milk. But are you hurting yourself enough?
January is about tearing your body from the excesses of Christmas to full abstinence from all pleasure. Any consumption beyond the water and sawdust diet of Veganuary is forbidden. If you haven’t stopped smoking, because you didn’t smoke originally, start then stop. Same for hard drugs.
The self-evident logic of ‘no pain no gain’ means that if you’re not in pain you’re loafing. Get a treadmill fitted in the shower and oars in the loo. Buy a second heath tracking watch, to monitor the health of the first watch just in case it can’t keep up with you and quits. Be in agony.
Be full of mind
A healthy body deserves a healthy mind. To get there, sanctimoniously zen power-meditate every questionable element of your personality away to the point of not having anything left. Stare in the mirror and see a perfect blank without wants or desires, as January deserves.
A clutter-free life opens more space within your clutter-free mind, so Marie Kondo the shit out of every item you’ve ever owned. Label, categorise, and catalogue everything. Dispose of all those useless fripperies, keepsakes, friends, pets, partners and furniture. You don’t need anything to be who you really are.
Document your journey
Vlog every miserable microsecond of your self-improvement crusade. At some point Channel 5 will be doing documentaries on freaks like you and you can cash in. What viewing it’ll make on a cold February night when you’ve dropped all this self-improvement bollocks: you, a litre of gin, a bucket of chicken and a bowl of cake batter.