Six bands who pretended to be from the future but looked like twats

CLAIMING to be from the future is near-impossible to pull off, especially if you’re a pop star with stupid hair. These acts made the future look shit:

Sigue Sigue Sputnik

SSS’s vision of the future was super-camp Mad Max rejects in platform heels perfoming in front of stacks of old TVs. Sure enough, the future thus far has not involved everyone being into glam punk and looking a laughable knob. Though they did put adverts between tracks like free Spotify, so solid prediction there.

Kraftwerk

‘I am the operator with my pocket calculator’ alludes to mankind being enslaved by technology. But the first calculators were awesome and Kraftwerk had their own musical pocket calculator made by Casio. So really they were just Teutonic nerds who liked calculators. Case closed.

The Shamen

The Shamen loved a bit of technobabble, with vague concepts like ‘matter motion energy’ and ‘spacetime’. Unfortunately it wasn’t cutting-edge physics, just the ramblings of your mate who necked every pill going in the 90s and hasn’t been right ever since.

David Bowie

Ziggy Stardust was technically a space alien, but still futuristic. However this enigmatic, androgynous creature still resembled the blokes from KISS. It’s like Klaatu arriving on Earth to have an interminable jam session and ask if anyone can sort him out with some coke, which is the plot of The Man Who Fell To Earth.

Daft Punk

The robot helmets and song titles like Motherboard are deceptive. This is catchy, tasteful disco music that might help you get your leg over. About as exciting and ambitious as a sci-fi thriller about thermostats becoming self-aware.

Gary Numan

Gary created an impressively dark and paranoid future with Cars and Are ‘Friends’ Electric? He had a tendency to reuse the same tunes, but then he was a robot so fair enough. But do we really face a future where everyone is absolutely caked in eyeliner?

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How to cope now that you're rooting for that bellend Cummings

FOUND yourself rooting for that bastard Cummings now that he’s putting the boot into Johnson? Come to terms with this development:

Pretend it’s natural and healthy

We all change and develop over time; children become adults, adults become right-wing pensioners. Your righteous fury at a man who drove to Barnard Castle to test his eyesight is no different. By outright cheering the baldy f**ker on, you can pretend you’re displaying maturity. Maturity that goes against every fibre of who you were in May 2020.

Accept that nobody’s perfect

His tweets read like they’ve been typed by AI, but Cummings is human and fallible as any of us. So what if he lied the entire nation into f**king Brexit with a f**king bus? It’s water under the bridge now you have a common enemy you want to kick shit out of.

Remember that it’s only temporary

A week is a long time in politics. 20 months under this government in a pandemic is a bloody lifetime. Just because you’re on Cummings’s side today doesn’t mean you’re committed. When he calls Johnson a liar under oath, hold your nose and think of kittens in baskets. Then go back to hating the prick.

Forget the past

Cummings is only a puffed-up twat who dresses like a student on rag week if you choose to focus on it. By jettisoning his actions, political views and contemptuous attitude for anyone who doesn’t share his visionary genius, you’ll find that he’s a decent bloke who should be listened to.

Practice self-care

Siding with the man you dreamed of beating with his dickhead Bitcoin-mining laptop in 2020 will take a toll on your mental and physical health. Run a bath, eat chocolates, smoke weed or whatever the latest bollocks wellness trend recommends. Fickle turncoats like you deserve to be pampered.

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