Chief Disruptor and other made-up job titles for complete wankers

THE corporate world is a minefield of ‘innovation managers’ and ‘change agents’. Never interact with any arsehole in one of these bollocks jobs: 

Happiness Officer

It’s a job in HR, but this smug bastard thinks they’re a veritable saint, dispensing life-changing joy to their fellow employees. Except when you actually interact to explain the source of your unhappiness and they agree your issue is valid but they will do nothing to change it.

Scrum Master

Like anyone who treats business books as gospel, those who wave around this title are wankers of the highest order. Wow, you’ve managed to learn a management style; you’re not a f**king Jedi. Such twats could never participate in a real-life rugby scrum as their heads would be too far up their own arses to spot the ball.

Head Party Girl

In reality this person is as fun as a bowl of unwashed grapes. But they work in events, so they’re forced to present a wild and outgoing exterior like a mouse on ecstasy. Their emails are full of exclamation marks and emojis. They spend lunchtime eating a sad salad at their desk like everyone else.

Chief Disruptor

Charging insane amounts of money for making unworkably shit recommendations, anyone with this title should be disrupted to the point of terminal organ failure. They believe they’re a maverick genius for suggesting your business have fewer meetings.

Wellness Guru

A non-role that’s either a desperate self-employed person selling aromatherapy oils or a dickhead giving deliberately vague talks to bored rich people at conferences. When two colleagues are sacked and you’re given both their workloads, the guru will advise you to breathe.

Human Architect

What does this even mean? Is it HR? Senior management? Dr Frankenstein? The title is even more bewildering when attached to the face of the most generic business bro you’ve ever seen. Ah, he’s talking about ‘synergistic solutions’. He’s here to make redundancies then.

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Protestors celebrate defeat of crime bill by not being rounded up and shot

PEACEFUL protestors have celebrated the defeat of the government’s crime bill in the Lords by not being arrested, imprisoned without charge and shot at dawn. 

The bill has now lost 14 of the provisions Priti Patel added after staying up all night watching Schwarzenegger films about dystopian futures, meaning that its failure can be celebrated without immediate detention.

Martin Bishop, who attended an anti-Brexit protest in 2018, said: “The van full of riot squad police that had been parked outside my house all day left at 1am, dejected and disappointed.

“I feel for them, but I did think that the charge of ‘historical noise disturbance’, criminalising anything louder than moderate rainfall stretching back to 1600AD, was a bit illiberal.”

Green protestor Grace Wood-Morris said: “I’m glad the Lords saw sense. I’m not actually a green protestor, I just stepped off a grass verge into a road, a taxi had to brake, and its pissed-off driver sent my photo to the Home Office.

“It’s great to know that I can safely enter shops without being arrested for anti-capitalist sedition and imprisoned indefinitely on a Scottish rock regularly strafed by the RAF. For me that was going too far.”

Priti Patel said: “The House of Lords is a terrorist institution holding democracy to ransom and its members must be transported to MI5 black sites for enhanced interrogation. But they’ve struck that off the bill as well.”