THE corporate world is a minefield of ‘innovation managers’ and ‘change agents’. Never interact with any arsehole in one of these bollocks jobs:
Happiness Officer
It’s a job in HR, but this smug bastard thinks they’re a veritable saint, dispensing life-changing joy to their fellow employees. Except when you actually interact to explain the source of your unhappiness and they agree your issue is valid but they will do nothing to change it.
Scrum Master
Like anyone who treats business books as gospel, those who wave around this title are wankers of the highest order. Wow, you’ve managed to learn a management style; you’re not a f**king Jedi. Such twats could never participate in a real-life rugby scrum as their heads would be too far up their own arses to spot the ball.
Head Party Girl
In reality this person is as fun as a bowl of unwashed grapes. But they work in events, so they’re forced to present a wild and outgoing exterior like a mouse on ecstasy. Their emails are full of exclamation marks and emojis. They spend lunchtime eating a sad salad at their desk like everyone else.
Chief Disruptor
Charging insane amounts of money for making unworkably shit recommendations, anyone with this title should be disrupted to the point of terminal organ failure. They believe they’re a maverick genius for suggesting your business have fewer meetings.
Wellness Guru
A non-role that’s either a desperate self-employed person selling aromatherapy oils or a dickhead giving deliberately vague talks to bored rich people at conferences. When two colleagues are sacked and you’re given both their workloads, the guru will advise you to breathe.
Human Architect
What does this even mean? Is it HR? Senior management? Dr Frankenstein? The title is even more bewildering when attached to the face of the most generic business bro you’ve ever seen. Ah, he’s talking about ‘synergistic solutions’. He’s here to make redundancies then.
