Toilet lid ominously closed in empty public bathroom cubicle

A WOMAN is wondering whether she should brave a vacant public toilet cubicle where the lid is sinisterly shut.

After finding herself in the unenviable position of needing to go for a piss in Crewe station, Eleanor Shaw is debating whether to take a chance with the one empty cubicle and risk discovering the crimes that lie hidden beneath the toilet’s closed lid.

Shaw said: “Leaving the lid shut on a public toilet is basically an admission that there’s some horrendous faecal atrocity under there. At best it’s a turd that didn’t flush, but it’s more likely to be some soiled underwear a lunatic tried to shove down the U-bend.

“Going in there and opening that toilet will basically be like unwrapping the worst Christmas present ever. Well, maybe the second worst, considering my husband gave me a strimmer last year.

“I’m just trying to weigh up how badly I need to go for a piss against how willing I am to open what will almost certainly be a Pandora’s box of diarrhoea. 

“My train leaves in a few minutes and the woman that went into the other cubicle ahead of me was wearing a playsuit, and she’s bound to spend 45 minutes struggling out of that thing to take a shit. So I’m probably going to have to risk it.”

After emerging from the cubicle, a haunted-looking Shaw said: “I can’t say what I saw in there or I’ll be sick, but this building should be condemned then burned to the ground.”

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Devil retires

His Satanic Majesty the Lord of Lies, Ruler of Hades and King of All Earthly Evil has announced he is stepping down as Fox and News International chairman. 

The Great Beast has handed the key to the infernal realms where sinners suffer eternally in an endless fire over to his Son, The Prophesied One who will end Creation.

Briton Emma Bradford, one of the souls forever twisting in the fire of suffering under his scalding hoof, lives in Nottingham and reads the Times. She said: “Wow, it’s just like Succession.

“Apparently this place, heaven’s dark shadow, used to be alright until his black Sun held dominion everywhere and corrupted all its rays touched with its pitiless glare, and had tits on Page 3.

“I wonder if this new ruler will be any more belevolent? Or if he too will hate the damned who dwell here, and in the US and Australia, and sentence us to agonising torture and Tories?

“And what does the Devil do when he retires? He can’t possibly die. We all know he’s well beyond that.”