Traffic cones, and other pathetic things everyone steals as a rite of passage

STEALING is wrong. That said, here are five things you, and absolutely everyone else, stole at some point while you were growing up.

Pint glasses

Looking to soak your jacket pocket with tepid beer? Then why not steal a pint glass from a pub? Sure, there’s a slight thrill in knowing you’ve saved perhaps a quid not having to buy your own pint glasses at home, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that your favourite coat will now forever smell of stale Grolsch.

Traffic cones

Despite being a well-worn cliche about pissed lads and students, at some point in your youth you drunkenly approached a building site and stole a traffic cone. It was only after waking up the next day that you realised you’d no desire to own a dirty, metre-high lump of orange plastic and getting rid of it would, frankly, be a logistical nightmare.

Shopping trolley

Why do people climb mountains? Because they’re there. Why do we explore space? Because it’s there. Why do we feel compelled when we’re 17 and pissed to nick a trolley from your local Sainsbury’s and awkwardly use it to ride down a hill with your mates? It’s because you’re basically Neil Armstrong.

Election posters

After a particularly heavy night, there’s no greater thrill than waking up the next morning to see a semi-familiar face in the bed beside you. Yes, you’ve pulled alright – pulled the campaign poster of a local Lib Dem councillor running for parliament off a telegraph pole, and fallen asleep, drooling kebab sauce on it.


Coming to at 8am to discover that your pockets are full of teaspoons is a confusing experience. But whether you were at the house party of a friend, an enemy or a random kid, some insane teenage drive in your brain compelled you to swipe something. Then you had the fun of guiltily handing them back in school on Monday.

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Five energy-saving measures that will make f**k all difference to your bill

WORRIED about the price of your energy bill? Here are five steps you can take that will barely make a difference.

Change energy providers

Shopping around used to be a tedious way of saving a few quid, but now every bastard company is poised to overcharge you. It’s not even worth phoning your current provider to negotiate a lower rate. The aeon it takes to get through will probably add an extra couple of zeroes to your bill anyway.

Photograph your energy meter

Taking a shot of your energy meter is the hot new craze of 2022, even though it will make precious little difference overall. At least you’ll have photographic evidence of the last day you had any money. One day you’ll look back on these pictures of dials and numbers with the same wistful nostalgia you get from revisiting old holiday snaps.

Get solar panels

All you need to do is splash out a few grand on solar panels, plus a couple more on the installation, and you’ll start to bring down that £700 increase in as little as two or three decades. Why not save yourself a fortune – the great thing is that Britain’s glorious sunshine is completely free.

Turn the heating off

Turning your thermostat dial to the off position and aggressively ripping it off the wall makes sense if you’re a bit melodramatic, but you’ll just end up making hundreds of hot drinks to keep warm using your cripplingly expensive kettle. You could always wear a jumper over your other jumper, but you’d rather be poor than look like a twat.

Invest in double glazing

Replacing your windows with double glazing keeps the heat indoors and lowers your energy consumption. It’s the perfect solution, except for the fact you don’t own your own place. If you nag your landlord to install double glazing there’s a risk they might actually do it and jack up your rent, then you’ll be worse off than before.