Government launches 'Get pissed to keep warm' initiative

THE government is tackling the £700-a-year rise in energy costs with its new ‘Get pissed to keep warm’ plan.

The initiative encourages families struggling with heating costs to turn down the thermostat and instead use the power of simple alcohol to warm themselves from the inside out.

Rishi Sunak said: “The best way to keep yourself from feeling the cold is, and has always been, the drink. 

“Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself. Shut off the radiators, extinguish that open fire, open the windows and sink half a bottle of gin. You’ll not feel the slightest hint of a chill. Finish the bottle and you’ll have a great night’s sleep without even needing a duvet.

“It’s how the homeless keep so toasty in winter, and why do you think Russia, a famously frozen country, can export so much gas? Because they’re all permanently pissed.

“It’s sustainable, it’s carbon neutral, and it’s available at a variety of price points from White Lightning to Grey Goose. No matter what you choose, you’ll be glowing with your own personal central heating.”

He added: “I understand there are Britons out there who suffer alcohol problems for whom this method is unavailable. To them I say, have you tried MDMA?”

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How to come to the aid of a common person lost in Waitrose

WHAT should you do if you encounter a disoriented common person who’s accidentally wandered into Waitrose? Here’s how to help them while avoiding risk to yourself.

Calm them down

The common person is likely to be agitated due to finding themselves surrounded by frightening, unfamiliar items: pesto, choux buns, potatoes without reassuring smiley faces on them. Win their trust by offering them some sea salt and balsamic vinegar Maris Piper shavings, which are similar to their ’crisps’. But obviously completely different.

Be non-threatening

Ask store staff not to approach them. Their uniforms may remind them of prison warders, and many common people will have been ‘inside’. If you have time, change into jogging bottoms and a pink nylon dressing gown. This is what commoners somehow consider acceptable attire for the supermarket. It’s pathetic and really these people shouldn’t be allowed to breed, but it will set them at ease.

Explain their location

Commoners often have poor eyesight and may have assumed the green store branding was Asda. Gently explain that Waitrose sells high-quality, overpriced goods, and they will not find any Snacksters frozen kebabs here. Alternatively they may have seen the salad section and, not knowing what it is, think they are in the countryside. 

Bond with them

Find the scratchcard you bought ironically at the seaside, and ask ‘Excuse me, have I won a tenner?’ The commoner will instinctively examine the card for prizes, and if all goes well, sympathetically inform you, ‘Soz, you’ve won f**k all, love.’ You have now built up a rapport, like a dolphin trainer, except dolphins are highly intelligent. 

Escort them to safety

Lead the common person to the exit as staff and customers applaud. The exotic sights such as delicatessens and coq au vin ready meals may be overwhelming. If they experience anxiety en route, dab a mixture of agave syrup and Oaxacan salsa in the corners of their mouth, calming them with the familiar taste of ‘ketchup’.

Cut the cord

Now safe and out of the store, the commoner may attach itself to you like a duckling thinking a human is its parent. Tempting though it may be to keep it as a pet, it has its own life to lead. Say your farewells and send it off in the general direction of the German budget offal shed where it normally does its shop. Well done!