Seven more feeble threats from that wanker Putin

WITH his questionable threats to cut off the West’s gas supplies, Vladimir Putin seems determined to be a really shit Bond villain. Here the Russian president sets out his other not-so-diabolical schemes.

Cruise missiles will take out Chicken Cottage

You Britons love your greasy chicken, so unless you stop supplying Ukraine with anti-tank weapons, 3M-14 Kalibr missiles will be fired at every branch of this icon of Englishness. Where will you fools get your fried chicken from now, eh? 

No more wood-burning stoves 

You have gas, for the moment, but Russian warships will disrupt imports of poncey real wood fires. Then you’ll know the brutality of a Russian winter. And not have a charming focal point for your living room. Don’t even think about putting a jumper on – our supersonic bombers will drop wool-eating moths on the UK so they’ll be all manky and full of holes.

You will be prevented from going to the gym

Spetsnaz commandos will target all gyms, destroying them with demolition charges. You’ll be begging for an end to hostilities once it is literally impossible to spend two miserable hours in the gym and you have to sit on the sofa eating pizza instead.

Assassinating your most beloved famous people

The security service has drawn up a ‘kill list’ of popular celebrities to break your morale. Imagine a world with no Piers Morgan, no Bono, no Nigel Farage, no Myleene Klass, no Richard Madeley, no Esther Rantzen, and no Mark Francois. The nation will be paralysed with grief.

A cyber attack on the nation’s thermostats

Our electronic warfare specialists can easily hack your thermostats. Imagine sitting at home when suddenly you notice the thermostat has turned the central heating off. You’ll have no choice but to reset it. Or perhaps you’ll get up at 7am and the radiators haven’t taken the chill off. I hope you’re ready for unpleasantly cold bathroom floors!

No more scented candles 

Britain is obsessed with scented candles, so we are buying the world’s entire stock of them. What will you do when your rooms no longer smell vaguely of lavender and eucalyptus? You simply will not be able to survive without this life-critical item.

Vegetarian meat substitutes to be laced with polonium

You’d love a tofu-based meat alternative, but our spies have injected random packets with polonium. Will you risk a slow, painful death, or forgo a plate of delicious Quorn? It’s a truly agonising dilemma. Perhaps worst affected will be lukewarm vegetarians who have to eat a bacon sandwich completely against their will.

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Top Deck, and other thrillingly adult products of the 1980s

ANYONE who grew up in the 80s remembers the heady thrill of expecting to get shitfaced on Top Deck shandy. Here are some other childhood favourites that were thrillingly adult.

Top Deck

The drinks industry’s attempt to wean seven-year-olds onto alcohol. After a hard day riding your BMX round the housing estate, you’d kick back with the Top Deck and laugh at the immature younger kids drinking Orangina. Sadly it would have taken about 600 cans to get any alcoholic effect, so drunken hi-jinx never ensued. 

Candy cigarettes

Somehow acceptable at the time, a similar attempt to get seven-year-olds onto the fags. You’d lean against the school wall during break and nonchalantly chew on a candy cigarette, exuding the coolness of Steve McQueen. Except he didn’t eat his fags, and they didn’t taste of sugar cut with industrial amounts of chalk.

Silk Cut cigarettes

In the 80s, shopkeepers would often sell individual cigarettes from a packet under the counter. Silk Cut’s appeal lay in the fact they were the weakest brand on the market. Many a youngster gravitated to them after trying to smoke John Player Special and spending an hour coughing their lungs up.

Black Magic chocolates

Forrest Gump claimed you never know what you get in a box of chocolates. He’d clearly never been given a box of Black Magic by his nan for Christmas, because you were guaranteed dark chocolate filled with adult stuff like coffee and truffles which you hated. In fairness your parents were taken in too, thinking the cheap, black-and-red cardboard box was impossibly ‘posh’ and classy.

Turkish Delight chocolate bars

Another Christmas gift from elderly relatives with no clue about what youngsters wanted. Back in the 80s, Turkey was still a faraway exotic place, not a familiar stag and hen destination. This strange variant on actual Turkish delight was a layer of bland milk chocolate followed by a mouthful of cheap perfume off the market. Ah, the mysterious East.