WITH his questionable threats to cut off the West’s gas supplies, Vladimir Putin seems determined to be a really shit Bond villain. Here the Russian president sets out his other not-so-diabolical schemes.
Cruise missiles will take out Chicken Cottage
You Britons love your greasy chicken, so unless you stop supplying Ukraine with anti-tank weapons, 3M-14 Kalibr missiles will be fired at every branch of this icon of Englishness. Where will you fools get your fried chicken from now, eh?
No more wood-burning stoves
You have gas, for the moment, but Russian warships will disrupt imports of poncey real wood fires. Then you’ll know the brutality of a Russian winter. And not have a charming focal point for your living room. Don’t even think about putting a jumper on – our supersonic bombers will drop wool-eating moths on the UK so they’ll be all manky and full of holes.
You will be prevented from going to the gym
Spetsnaz commandos will target all gyms, destroying them with demolition charges. You’ll be begging for an end to hostilities once it is literally impossible to spend two miserable hours in the gym and you have to sit on the sofa eating pizza instead.
Assassinating your most beloved famous people
The security service has drawn up a ‘kill list’ of popular celebrities to break your morale. Imagine a world with no Piers Morgan, no Bono, no Nigel Farage, no Myleene Klass, no Richard Madeley, no Esther Rantzen, and no Mark Francois. The nation will be paralysed with grief.
A cyber attack on the nation’s thermostats
Our electronic warfare specialists can easily hack your thermostats. Imagine sitting at home when suddenly you notice the thermostat has turned the central heating off. You’ll have no choice but to reset it. Or perhaps you’ll get up at 7am and the radiators haven’t taken the chill off. I hope you’re ready for unpleasantly cold bathroom floors!
No more scented candles
Britain is obsessed with scented candles, so we are buying the world’s entire stock of them. What will you do when your rooms no longer smell vaguely of lavender and eucalyptus? You simply will not be able to survive without this life-critical item.
Vegetarian meat substitutes to be laced with polonium
You’d love a tofu-based meat alternative, but our spies have injected random packets with polonium. Will you risk a slow, painful death, or forgo a plate of delicious Quorn? It’s a truly agonising dilemma. Perhaps worst affected will be lukewarm vegetarians who have to eat a bacon sandwich completely against their will.