Five people stupid enough to vote for Johnson next time

WONDERING which cretins keep supporting Johnson? These are the five types of moron who will vote for him come the next election.

Red wall residents

It’s understandable that traditional Labour voters aren’t thrilled about Starmer, whose most notable characteristic is his side parting, but he’s an infinitely less harmful choice than Johnson. Unfortunately human stupidity knows no limits, like those working class voters who praised the Tories for kindly bringing in more food banks.


You become more right wing with age, so the cliche goes, so pensioners will vote for Johnson. He did vow to protect the triple lock on state pensions, although it was him who suspended it in the first place. Not that actual policies matter, they’ll just vote against anything foreign, liberal or modern, because their brains have been turned to angry mush by the Mail and Express.

Rich pricks

The rich are so flush with cash that the cost of living crisis won’t impact them in the slightest. Having Johnson in power is simply a funny backdrop to their life of supreme luxury. Plus delightful people like Sir Philip Green and hedge fund managers might make a few quid in the process.

Your parents

Even if you methodically lay out evidence that Johnson has f**ked everything up, your parents will still choose to ignore the facts because he has a funny haircut. ‘They’re all as bad as each other’ your hugely original dad will announce in reference to Labour, the Lib Dems and the Greens, but not the Conservatives, UKIP or Reform UK. Let’s hope idiocy isn’t hereditary.


You may not be as principled as you think, particularly if you’re totally f**ked off with the whole politics thing. All it would take is for Johnson to introduce a new bank holiday for you to consider voting for him. Guilt and logic will nag at your conscience as you vote, but you’ll silence those thoughts by remembering that you’ll have an extra day off to be hungover.

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Seven films where the star is just too f**king old

TOM Cruise is back at the age of 59 to play Maverick in the new Top Gun film. Sadly, in Hollywood being much too old is no obstacle to your career, as these ill-advised roles show…

Terminator Genisys

Arnie looks totally and utterly knackered. He doesn’t need a sit-down and a nice cup of tea, more like a year’s solid sleep. It could just be his age – 68 – but it’s surely compounded by decades of bodybuilding. Or it’s possible he tried to understand the film’s vast number of plot holes and it sucked a couple of decades of life out of him. 

A View to a Kill

Roger Moore was 58 while love interest Tanya Roberts was 30. His age is really underlined by the fact that Bond dressed like your dad after a trip to C&A – a Bergerac-style leather jacket and what appear to be polyester ‘smart casual’ trousers. They may as well have given Bond a garden shed to remove any last traces of cool.


Stockard Channing famously played a teenager while 34. One of the less egregious examples because, unlike today’s ageing male stars, she doesn’t look as if she’ll need oxygen if she gets up too quickly. Confused younger viewers thought the American school system must have a very inflexible policy of keeping you back a year if you were rubbish at maths.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Harrison Ford really looks his age (64) in this, to the point where you feel it’s a bit cruel what they’re putting him through. Humiliatingly, Indy has battled Nazis and death cult maniacs, but now the greatest danger is having a nasty fall like your nan. The fact that the rest of the film is utter, utter, utter, utter shit doesn’t help. 

Saturn 3

Enormous folly on the part of 64-year-old egomaniac Kirk Douglas, who’s cast as the lover of 33-year-old Farrah Fawcett, one of the biggest sex symbols of the 70s. It’s certainly a memorable film, in entirely the wrong way, for the creepy shagging-your-daughter overtones and nudity usually only seen in the shower of an old folk’s home.

The Mummy 

In a foreshadowing of the age-related dissonance likely to feature in the new Top Gun, Tom Cruise is 22 years older than co-star Annabelle Wallis. It’s not enough to ruin the film on its own – Russell Crowe as Dr Jekyll is there to do that, in a confusing dog’s dinner of unrelated characters.

The Expendables

Some would call it an ‘entertaining callback to the heyday of action movies’. Other would call it a ‘braindead cash-grab by a bunch of past-it old twats’. We couldn’t possibly comment. However, when Jason Statham (54) looks like a foetus in comparison to his co-stars, you think it might have been better to do a remake of Last of the Summer Wine.