Wanker fixing up classic car

AN absolute wanker is going to fix up a classic car, he has revealed.

Bank manager Tom Logan has bought a 1981 Jaguar XJ saloon at auction and plans to spend his weekends fixing it up and telling everybody about fixing it up, he has confirmed.

He said: “My lack of mechanical experience won’t get in the way. I’ll learn on the job.

“The main thing is I’ve now entered into a fraternity of men who spend their weekends in the garage, meet each other to swap parts and talk in numbers and initials in pubs.

“It doesn’t matter if the car itself never gets finished. For 20 years I’ll be talking about sourcing the original cassette player from a scrapyard in Stirling or whether I’ll fit a CD player, with lots of nods and authoritative opinions.

“Eventually it’ll be roadworthy and I’ll buy that lead additive you need for classic cars and drive around the countryside smogging up every little village I drive through with blue exhaust fumes.

“Then I’ll put it in the garage and get on with my next wanker hobby, like microbrewing or clay pigeon shooting or breeding Labradoodles.”

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How to keep your relationship with your vibrator alive after you're married

MARRIAGE can make it tough to maintain the other key relationships in your life. Here’s how to ensure you and your vibrator don’t lose your intimacy:

Make the time

Encourage your husband to take up rock climbing or competitive heavy drinking, or get them into a Netflix series you then abandon, and before you know it you’ll have a free slot to enjoy quality alone time with your beloved fanny toaster.

Quality, not quantity

You might not manage to get down and dirty with your buzz buddy very often, so be enjoy it when you do. Relish not contending with the questionable personal hygiene of another human being and really let the imaginary lovers in your head take over.

Play dress up

Start wearing special clothes around the house, particularly ones with big pockets such as dressing gowns or jogging bottoms. So you can hide your nobbler easily on your person at all times and sneak out of the room for one-on-one time whenever the moment is right, without your spouse suspecting a thing.

Switch off the guilt

Yes, you may feel your magic stick’s judgement as you have less time for it these days, but take the pressure off and just do your best. The last thing you need is hassle from your mechanical lover as well as your fleshy one.

Put in the work

Plan and commit to that all important frigging-yourself-off-time – it won’t happen if you don’t make it. Marriage is a gift, but don’t lose sight of what drew you to your snatchblaster in the first place: sometimes what’s best is not at all connected to anybody real.