Sunday, 1st November 2020

Wanker fixing up classic car

AN absolute wanker is going to fix up a classic car, he has revealed.

Bank manager Tom Logan has bought a 1981 Jaguar XJ saloon at auction and plans to spend his weekends fixing it up and telling everybody about fixing it up, he has confirmed.

He said: “My lack of mechanical experience won’t get in the way. I’ll learn on the job.

“The main thing is I’ve now entered into a fraternity of men who spend their weekends in the garage, meet each other to swap parts and talk in numbers and initials in pubs.

“It doesn’t matter if the car itself never gets finished. For 20 years I’ll be talking about sourcing the original cassette player from a scrapyard in Stirling or whether I’ll fit a CD player, with lots of nods and authoritative opinions.

“Eventually it’ll be roadworthy and I’ll buy that lead additive you need for classic cars and drive around the countryside smogging up every little village I drive through with blue exhaust fumes.

“Then I’ll put it in the garage and get on with my next wanker hobby, like microbrewing or clay pigeon shooting or breeding Labradoodles.”