Wetherspoons calls for Nightingale pubs

WETHERSPOONS has called for the creation of huge out-of-town warehouse-style pubs to be held in reserve in case of a Covid spike. 

The pubs, which would be placed alongside Nightingale hospitals and schools on Britain’s ringroads, would provide a safe overflow facility for all-day drinkers in the event of a rise in the R-number.

A spokesman said: “Our regulars, after a terrifying few months, are back in their regular drinking routines. It would damage the economy to threaten any interruption.

“So we plan to turn cavernous warehouses on out-of-town industrial estates into overflow pubs which can support social distancing so Britain’s world-beating culture of alcoholism isn’t endangered again.

“The buildings would be huge, near-silent and completely soulless, so there would be very little difference between them and a regular Wetherspoons, and squaddies could be drafted in as bartenders.

“The Wetherspoon’s daytime club is the backbone of Britain. Come rain or shine they’re there, propping up the bar, knocking back booze that would kill lesser men. Let’s give them the respect they deserve.”

Chancellor Rishi Sunak said: “We must begin work on these immediately. And the NEC must become a 12,000-seat Nando’s.”

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Birmingham accent no longer works as birth control after Peaky Blinders

THE Brummie accent is no longer a viable means of preventing pregnancy following the success of the BBC show Peaky Blinders.

The accent, once associated with such tough shags as Frank Skinner and I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’s Roy Wood, no longer puts off prospective sexual partners and could even be considered attractive.

Nathan Muir of Smethwick said: “They used to say that with a Brummie even if you kept your eyes tight shut when shagging one, the monotone would be contraception enough. But no more.

“These days, whenever the ladies hear my mellifluous tones they come flocking and ask if I’ve ever beaten a man to death with a cane.

“Sounding thick and boring has saved me a fortune in buying drinks and condoms. Now I’m being DNA tested and might have child maintenance to pay. All because of those flat-cap wearing f**kers.”

He added: “The next step is either a vasectomy, or I tell them I’m actually from Coventry.”