Thursday, 29th October 2020

Wetherspoons calls for Nightingale pubs

WETHERSPOONS has called for the creation of huge out-of-town warehouse-style pubs to be held in reserve in case of a Covid spike. 

The pubs, which would be placed alongside Nightingale hospitals and schools on Britain’s ringroads, would provide a safe overflow facility for all-day drinkers in the event of a rise in the R-number.

A spokesman said: “Our regulars, after a terrifying few months, are back in their regular drinking routines. It would damage the economy to threaten any interruption.

“So we plan to turn cavernous warehouses on out-of-town industrial estates into overflow pubs which can support social distancing so Britain’s world-beating culture of alcoholism isn’t endangered again.

“The buildings would be huge, near-silent and completely soulless, so there would be very little difference between them and a regular Wetherspoons, and squaddies could be drafted in as bartenders.

“The Wetherspoon’s daytime club is the backbone of Britain. Come rain or shine they’re there, propping up the bar, knocking back booze that would kill lesser men. Let’s give them the respect they deserve.”

Chancellor Rishi Sunak said: “We must begin work on these immediately. And the NEC must become a 12,000-seat Nando’s.”