Friends with benefits become acquaintances with benefits

FRIENDS with benefits Lucy Parry and Martin Bishop are relieved to have dropped the ‘friends’ element of their relationship so they can just get down to the shagging.

The pair say that spending time together and pretending to give a shit about each other’s personalities was getting in the way of the only thing they are interested in each other for.

Parry said: “We really took the ‘friends with benefits’ tag seriously, and used to hang around together going for coffee or watching films, but we were just treading water until a reasonable enough amount of time had passed and we could have sex.

“So by becoming acquaintances instead of friends we can stop wasting time and money buying takeaways and making tedious conversation and jump straight into bed instead.”

Bishop said: “It’s much more efficient to just exchange brief pleasantries, as you would with an acquaintance you met in the street, and then get down to it.

“I mention the weather, ask how her husband and kids are doing, and off we go.”

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Music fans recreate Reading Festival by turning garden into pit of mud and piss

READING Festival regulars heartbroken at its cancellation are to recreate it at home by turning their gardens into pits of mud, urine and fighting bikers. 

The festival, famous for headline performances by easy-listening acts such as Nirvana and Black Sabbath, will be replicated in miniature by fans making back gardens into a cross between a prison riot and the Somme.

Steve Malley said: “Reading’s just got this vibe, you know? Of extreme squalor and random acts of terrifying violence.

“It wouldn’t feel the same without limping into September with ears ringing from Rage Against The Machine’s set, covered in mud and shit, with two fractured ribs and a black eye. So we’re doing it all at home.

“We’ve installed a shit trench, massive speakers are blasting out clashing guitar bands, the wife’s charging £14 for a foul burger and I’ve invited round every nutter I know.

“Davey who’s on the pills, Nige and his biker mates, Pigshead from the local who likes a punch-up and every goth hoodie in 20 miles. It’s going to be a f**king nightmare.

“Pissing strictly in bottles. No exceptions for women.”