Five new bullshit controversies to keep Britain furious

BRITONS are kept angry and fearful like the government wants them by endless controversy. Let’s obsess about these next:

More things that aren’t going to be banned

Pure speculation is fine to get the next ‘banning’ controversy started. Could it be the word ‘man’? Classic war films like The Great Escape? Sausage sandwiches to pander to vegetarian fascists? Your only limit is your imagination, and your right-wing paranoia.

Something completely innocuous

Anything can be turned into a controversy if you try hard enough. Take charity shops. Are they a good way to raise money from perfectly reusable items, or are they a blight on Britain’s high streets with their manky old clothes and crap Doc Martin novels? Apparently they don’t have to pay tax or something, the f**king do-gooding freeloaders.

What some random bellend said on Twitter

Scour Twitter for someone with no followers and batshit opinions, eg. he should be allowed to marry his dog. Treat this as a genuine campaign likely to be enshrined in law, when it’s clearly just the ramblings of a lone nutter. Britain’s press will be happy to join in with headlines like ‘REVEALED: SICK PLANS TO MAKE YOU GIVE FIDO A BONE’.

What colour things should be 

We’ve furiously debated the colour of post boxes, passports and trains, but that leaves a lot of other stuff. Traditional British cheeses like cheddar should clearly be a patriotic red, white and blue, and they could easily do it with a bit of food colouring. Set up a Facebook page about it – there are a lot of easily enraged old people with time on their hands there.

A brand new hate group

Hating ‘snowflakes’ is getting a bit old, so someone needs to come up with a new social group to pour scorn on. How about ‘laughtards’ – people who laugh or appear cheerful? Laughtards are a disgrace, particularly if you’re the sort of miserable f**ker who loves stupid controversies.

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Calm the f**k down, says dog who's eaten chocolate

A DOG that has eaten a bar of chocolate has instructed his hysterical owners to sit down and chill the f**k out. 

Black-and-white collie Jack Bates stole the bar of Dairy Milk from a table and ate the lot in a corner, prompting his owners to act like the f**king sky is falling in or something.

Bates said: “Can we just all calm the f**k down for five minutes? Please?

“Yes, chocolate is bad for dogs. Yeah, I suppose it’s poisonous, but I ate one bar. One bar. Alright?

“Come on, remember the 80s? Everyone gave their dog chocolate, the dogs gobbled it up, the dogs were largely fine. This is not an emergency.

“Just because you didn’t used to know about dogs and chocolate doesn’t mean chocolate is now automatically fatal for dogs. I say again, take a f**king breath.”

Owner Donna Sheridan said: “Oh my God, he keeps barking. I think he’s in pain. I’m calling the emergency vet.”