The best places to judge others this bank holiday

BANK holidays used to mean trips to the beach, but in our pandemic times the fun now lies in harshly judging other people going on trips to the beach. Check out these locations: 

The Great Orme, Llandudno

This mountain headland is the ideal vantage point to inspect the bay below with binoculars, periodically remarking ‘Well, I don’t see many masks down there’, ‘Social distancing? Not this lot’, and ‘I hope they bloody well catch it’.

Blackpool Tower

Being 120ft in the air above Blackpool, well away from any of the people who live or go there, is always the tower’s main attraction. Being able to literally look down on the scum brawling on the beachfront while infecting each other makes it even better.

A Windermere pleasure launch

Being out there safe on the water sharing a picnic, a magnum of champers and a never-ending stream of disapproval about the crowds on the shore is such a relaxing day. You’ll feel like you’re in Tuscany sneering at the tourists.

The Cotswolds

‘Oh dear me,’ you say, as you drive past throngs of crowds to your isolated cottage up in the limestone hills. ‘They are taking such a risk,’ you add as you drive back through to enjoy them again. ‘And with schools starting next week too,’ you add, on one final trip.

A yurt

There’s nowhere better to be judgmental from than a yurt. It just brings it on. And while most are sited deep enough into countryside that there aren’t any crowds they’ve all got wifi so browse Twitter on your MacBook and castigate anyone breaking rules from there.

A glowing orb of omniscient self-righteousness floating above Britain

After a summer of coronavirus judgement you have attained your final form and transcended the material world to become pure disapproval. Hover above the country judging us all unworthy and deserving of everything we’re going to get. Then write your column for the Mail on Sunday.

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Horrible little bastard just being 'assertive', say parents

A COUPLE whose daughter terrorises their home with screaming tantrums have congratulated themselves on raising an assertive, confident child.

Oliver and Joanna O’Connor are convinced that daughter Sophie’s habit of lying on the floor shrieking until she gets her own way is proof she has a bright future ahead.

Oliver O’Connor said: “By taking charge of every situation with a combination of tears and violence, Sophie is proving that she is developing strong communication skills.

“And yelling ‘Stop talking daddy!’ and kicking me in the shins while I’m on an important work call might seem like bad behaviour, she’s actually just clearly stating her needs.

“Her nursery teacher is concerned that trying to drown other kids during wet play is a sign of developing psychopathy rather than an indication of her natural leadership skills, but we’ve agreed to disagree on that one.”

Nursery teacher Nikki Hollis said: “We haven’t agreed to disagree. I’m just keeping quiet because I’m scared she might try to drown me next.”