Your dad's guide to autumn fashion

ALRIGHT kiddo, it’s Dad. I know you wanted a new coat but we’re saving for a hot tub to spice up our sex life. How about fashion tips from your old man instead?

Shorts

Shorts are a year-round fashion staple. If the hair on your shins doesn’t keep you warm enough then you should go and see a doctor. I haven’t worn a pair of trousers since my last job interview in 1998, and even then the man interviewing me said I was overdressed.

Rugby shirt to a formal gathering

Nothing says ‘dressed to impress’ like the cotton-polyester blend of a 2003 England rugby shirt. I dig mine out for birthdays and Christmas, or that one time that I wore it to your graduation. If it’s a really posh do, I’ll wear a tie with it, which doesn’t look weird at all.

Texaco garage fleece

Who needs a proper coat when a fleece is appropriate in every type of weather from pleasantly mild to freezing blizzard? And it’s even better if you spent months saving up tokens to send off for a free one. You really appreciate it then.

Speedos

Your mother and I are planning a staycation in Great Yarmouth in October. I’ll packing my Speedos just in case of a dip in the North Sea, and if it’s cold I’ll just inexplicably cover bits of me in Vaseline. I will then put a towel down in the car and drive home with no t-shirt on. Your mum likes it.

Whatever mum buys

Sod it, it’s not worth the argument.

Camping is loads of fun, and other lies told by your parents

LIFE is wonderful, according to the lying twats who raised you. But the bullshit claims they made about how great stuff were all false: 

‘Camping is going to be a lot of fun’

Choosing to spend a week in an uncomfortable temporary shelter is never fun, especially with your parents saying things like ‘There’s nothing like the peaceful silence of nature’ before a wild boar attacks your cool box.

‘Going to the dentist isn’t going to be that bad’

Parents go to great lengths to tells fibs about how having a drill taken to your teeth is absolutely painless, despite not having been to the dentist themselves for two decades because they’re absolutely petrified.

‘We’ll go to Disneyland if you do well at school’

Children will do anything when offered a trip to the Magic Kingdom and are also incredibly gullible. Your parents will feign complete ignorance when you bring it up after finding yourself on a rainy Belgian caravan site instead of Splash Mountain.

You’ll be grateful for it when you’re older’

A favourite parental way to force you into doing things you don’t want to do, like not going out on a school night or learning the oboe. Although they have your best interests at heart, they just end up turning you into a weirdo square with no social skills.

‘The dog went to live on a farm’

If children were capable of critical thinking they would immediately see how strange it is that their beloved pet dog would move from a comfortable suburban home to live on a strange farm. Luckily kids are stupid, and can save this up for a traumatic realisation during adulthood instead.