Wanker friend on holiday in Japan

YOUR most pretentious and wanky friend is enjoying a holiday in Japan, it has emerged.

While there is no specific reason why the East Asian country should attract the nerdiest and most annoying member of everybody’s friendship group, Japan is full of affected British tossers obsessing over the authenticity of their ramen.

Japanese tourism expert Tamaki Yasuhiro said: “We can’t understand why our beautiful culture should be a magnet for two of the worst groups in British society.

“Firstly, there’s the puny nerds showing up to gaming arcades but needing their inhalers just to play. None of them could get a girlfriend back home, but they expect us to believe they’re in geisha town ‘for the culture’.

“Then there are the pretentious hipsters, obsessed with manga at the age of 37 and thinking they’re enjoying an ‘authentic’ Japanese experience by going to The Snoopy Museum in amusing hats.

“We have bestowed many names upon fans of Japanese culture, such as ‘weeaboo’, ‘otaku’ and ‘unbearable tosspot’. Plenty of other people manage to like foreign cultures without pathetically making it their entire personality, but sadly not our visitors.”

Tourist Julian Cook said: “I come to Japan for all the things you can’t get in the UK, like whisky, video games and super hot women. I am very cool. Please don’t let my collection of niche anime figurines convince you otherwise.”

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Nationalism silly when other countries do it

THINKING your country is inherently better than all the rest is hilarious when that country is not the UK, it has emerged.

While political parties take the idea of Britain as a uniquely perfect sovereign nation very seriously, their foreign counterparts are just being ridiculous when they do the same.

Right-winger Roy Hobbs said: “We all know we live in the best country in the world, and it’s under threat from immigrants and blue-haired wokeists who want to drag us into a Medieval Islamic state where everyone’s trans. That makes perfect sense.

“But recently I met a French guy and he was going on about the same stuff – how foreigners are ruining their ‘wonderful nation’. I couldn’t help but laugh because France is shit. I went there there once and there were grumpy, smelly French bastards everywhere. Who’d feel pride about that?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Studies have shown that being proud of a country simply because you happened to be born there is really f**king stupid, unless it’s your country, of course.

“As an experiment, we showed British volunteers photos of people wearing their country’s flag. Most found them utterly ludicrous until we got to that photo of the guy in an England shirt with a flare up his arse. Then a few people actually cried due to a feeling of sheer, unbridled patriotism.”