GRANDPARENTS have explained to their children that they cannot sell up and give them all their money because they own so much crap.
Retirees Helen and Roy Archer say that, rather than being selfish boomers unwilling to make way for a younger generation, they just have a lifetime’s worth of precious belongings that take up a lot of space.
Helen Archer said: “We need this huge five-bedroom house for all of our essentials. For example, what will I do if I have to slice a boiled egg and I haven’t got a drawer in the kitchen containing three separate tools dedicated to that task?
“The spare bedrooms are necessary to store 14 old pairs of curtains that we’ll never use again but won’t get rid of, as well as the combined cassette and record player hi-fi that become obsolete in 1990.
“And that’s without mentioning the large box of napkins taken from restaurants and an astonishing amount of low-quality items bought from pound shops because they’re such great value. Why take what little happiness we have away? People are so cruel to the elderly.”
Roy Archer said: “Actually we’d love to live in a minimalist utopia, but the kids keep hinting about money for a house deposit so we need all this tat to throw them off the scent. It’s worked so far.”