WE’VE all had a lot on lately, but when you find yourself upstairs and can’t remember why go through this handy checklist:
To use the printer
You successfully managed to get out of visiting your sister for her kids’ birthdays, but that means posting presents. And no way you’re queuing up at a Post Office so that means printing labels, which means using the printer, which means getting a printer unused for months running again. Shit.
To make a phone call
Incensed by what Steve in Kent said about Partygate being irrelevant bollocks and need a quiet place to call in your apoplectic response? Or HR’s suddenly scheduled a non-routine call and you’re slightly nervous? Head to the spare room, where it won’t go well.
To go to bed
It probably wasn’t what you came up for, which was some awful chore, but the bed’s right there, inviting and without judgment. If everyone’s saying homeworkers lie about all day why try so hard to prove them wrong? Nobody will notice a quick power-nap surely?
To see what the neighbours are up to
The noisy bastards are out in the garden again, even though it’s a weekday. And they’re not alone. It’s simply good practice to check out what they’re up to discreetly, standing hidden by the curtains, for 15 minutes or so. And then to fill in the local WhatsApp group in on the latest developments.
To find your car keys
Three o’clock and time for your regular game of ‘where the f**k did I put the f**king car keys’? And you’ve checked everywhere downstairs so even though you know they’re not upstairs you’re checking there? The bastards?
To attend to bodily functions
Forgotten to clean your teeth again, or are you touching cloth and urgently need a shit? Hang on a minute. You were watching TV a moment ago. What was on? Countdown. Rachel Riley. That’s it! You came upstairs for a wank.