What is death and should you be worried about it?

CONCERNED about all of the reports of death in the news? Worried that it may affect you too? Learn all about the terminal life condition with this guide.

What is death?

The opposite of being alive. Your body stops processing and interacting with the world around you and starts to decompose. That means no more Marvel films, Netflix binges or late-night McDonald’s runs. On the plus side though it also means you never have to go to your in-laws again or worry about your mortgage going up. So it’s not all bad.

Sounds scary. What causes it?

Pretty much anything. Wars and disease are some obvious causes of fatalities, but you could even die by eating too fast or slipping over in the shower. It happens at any time too and without any warning, so you could be about to die right now and you’d have no idea. You have zero control over it though so there’s no point fretting about it. Let nature take its course.

Who does it affect?

Everyone. Young or old, rich or poor, good or evil, everyone is going to die in the end, including you. This means your entire family and that fit person you see on your commute will die one day, but so will that boss who put you on a performance improvement plan and Kelly who dumped you for your best friend in year eight. It all balances out.

Surely it’s preventable?

Not at the minute. You can fend off death much better these days thanks to medical advances, but no matter what you do your body will eventually get too old and give up. And that’s if you’re lucky. Although by the time you reach your 90s you’ll be begging to expire anyway and death will seem like a sweet release from your decrepit husk.

Should everyone start worrying about it?

There’s no point, really. It’s inevitable. You might as well be shitting yourself about the sun coming up or the tide coming in. Besides, the eternal void of death can be a good incentive to get off your arse, ask out that person you fancy and go on that dream holiday you’ve always been thinking of. Or stay in bed and doomscroll, whichever you prefer.

What happens after death?

Depends who you ask. Some people think there’s a chance you ascend to a higher plane of eternal bliss if you’ve been good, while others are convinced that you come back to life as a goose or a daffodil. Scientists on the other hand are pretty confident nothing happens. From your point of view it’s kind of like what life was like before you were born but for the rest of time. So look forward to that.

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Woman fearful husband on verge of sleeping naked

A WOMAN is apprehensively waiting for the moment her husband decides to go to bed without wearing any pyjamas, it has emerged.

As the hot weather continues, Donna Sheridan is bracing herself for the trauma of having a warm, damp set of genitals pressed against her leg when she wakes up in the morning.

Sheridan said: “He has started kicking the duvet off in the night, which is the first step towards him abandoning the small amount of dignity he has and sleeping bollock naked.

“I love my husband when he’s awake and clothed, and even on a cold winter’s night when I can snuggle up to his warmth. But on a 20-plus degree night? No. Even if I roll him over I’m faced with the equally unpleasant sight of his hairy arse. I just can’t win.

“Yes, I know we are married and have sex on occasion, but that is different to lying next to him in the summer heat, disturbingly close to his flaccidly sweaty tackle. I’ll probably end up on the sofa. Anything to avoid that clammy, unsolicited morning glory.”

Tom Sheridan said: “Has she gone? Great. I get the whole bed to myself, and also don’t have to deal with looking at her mad, overgrown pubes.”