Wednesday, 3rd June 2020

'Why are you drinking at home?' say overpriced pubs full of twats

BRITAIN’S pubs have criticised the public for drinking cheap supermarket booze when they could be supporting their hellish local hostelry.

Landlords are totally baffled as to why people like drinking in the comfort of their own home instead of spaffing their money up the wall in the company of shouty bellends.

Pub landlord Roy Hobbs said: “Nowadays people are getting pissed at home for under a tenner with access to nice food and a TV not showing MTV shite. Where’s the pleasure in that?

“It’s killing the pub trade. Having a drink while the bloke with the face tattoo at the other end of the bar looks at you threateningly is part of the social fabric of Great Britain.

“If we shut down they’ll be longing for the days when they could spend £20 on four pints of very forgettable lager, then another £14 on a ropey burger with a huge pile of greasy curly fries.”

Home drinker Tom Logan said: “Not only do I not have to put up with a motley crew of screeching office twats and possible psychopaths, there also isn’t an inch of piss on my bathroom floor.

“Another benefit is that when I pass out blind drunk on the sofa for a bargain £12, no one’s going to try to set fire to my hair or stick beer mats up my arse.”