'Why are you drinking at home?' say overpriced pubs full of twats

BRITAIN’S pubs have criticised the public for drinking cheap supermarket booze when they could be supporting their hellish local hostelry.

Landlords are totally baffled as to why people like drinking in the comfort of their own home instead of spaffing their money up the wall in the company of shouty bellends.

Pub landlord Roy Hobbs said: “Nowadays people are getting pissed at home for under a tenner with access to nice food and a TV not showing MTV shite. Where’s the pleasure in that?

“It’s killing the pub trade. Having a drink while the bloke with the face tattoo at the other end of the bar looks at you threateningly is part of the social fabric of Great Britain.

“If we shut down they’ll be longing for the days when they could spend £20 on four pints of very forgettable lager, then another £14 on a ropey burger with a huge pile of greasy curly fries.”

Home drinker Tom Logan said: “Not only do I not have to put up with a motley crew of screeching office twats and possible psychopaths, there also isn’t an inch of piss on my bathroom floor.

“Another benefit is that when I pass out blind drunk on the sofa for a bargain £12, no one’s going to try to set fire to my hair or stick beer mats up my arse.”

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Woman unable to go running because her headphones are broken

A WOMAN was forced to abandon her plans to go for a run after discovering her headphones were broken.

Emma Bradford, who has also been unable to jog this week due to the possibility of a headache, her favourite sports bra being dirty and because it might rain, is devastated about the incident.

She said: “I’m gutted. I was so looking forward to that run and now I have to stay in drinking wine and eating Pringles.

“The fact is you can’t run without listening to something. Otherwise all you hear is your brain screaming ‘I hate running, this is shit, I hate running and running hates me’ over and over. Apart from that I love running, obviously.

“I’ve ordered some new headphones so tomorrow I shall definitely go for a run. I really hope they arrive on time and the Amazon van doesn’t explode or anything.

“That said, I do feel like I’m getting bit of a cold so I shouldn’t overdo it. Also, my fridge really needs cleaning out and I urgently need to alphabetise my sock drawer.”

Bradford is currently really looking forward to her run but also doing a Google search for ‘is running in cold weather dangerous +injuries +fatal’.