Tuesday, 1st December 2020

The Remainer's guide to getting behind Brexit

ARE you a Remainer who’s been constantly told to ‘get behind’ Brexit for the last two years but has no idea what that means? Here’s how to do it.

Go fundraising for Brexit

Misleading Facebook adverts don’t pay for themselves, so hit the streets with a charity bucket. If recent polls are anything to go by, you’ll be surprised how many people are prepared to give you money for a metaphorical kick in the nads.

Form a Brexit support group

Hire a church hall and have meetings where you sit in a circle sharing anti-EU propaganda and helping Brexiters deal with negative emotions, such as starting to feel like a massive tit.

Also focus on uplifting Brexit activities, such as having a friendly competition to see who can bake the best cake with an icing sugar picture of Europe in flames.

Stop sabotaging Brexit

Remainers have been sabotaging Brexit all along, apparently. If you’ve been planning to blow up railway tracks or assassinate Nigel Farage with a Sten gun like the French resistance, stop this treachery now.

Stop ‘talking down’ Brexit

Go around saying things like “I was wrong - leaving the EU is great!” and “Isn’t Brexit just swell?”. If, as Brexiters believe, criticism harms Brexit, then this will make it turn out fine.

Turn to the occult

You could try praying for Brexit, but you don’t want to look like a mawkish American wanker. Also prayer doesn’t have a great track record of success, so something a little stronger may be needed.

Study the occult and see if you can enlist the help of a powerful deity like Moloch, or the top boy Satan himself. Be warned that tricky problems like the Irish border might require you to sacrifice quite a few virgins.

Organise a charity hit

Much as Midge Ure and Bob Geldof set up Band Aid, get Brexiter musicians to record a single. Unfortunately there’s only Roger Daltrey and Morrissey, so fuck knows what that will sound like.