Five vegetarian cooking tips that defeat the point of eating vegetables

DO you want to perk up your vegetarian meals in a way that instantly cancels out the benefits of eating vegetables? Try these cooking techniques.

Add plenty of the vegetarian chef’s ‘secret ingredient’

Otherwise known as salt. The sad fact about vegetables is they often taste of water, blandness or cabbage. However salt makes everything taste better. Salt is fantastic, apart from making your heart explode.

Add a shitload of cheese

Cheese is so nice you could put it on a brick and it would be tempting to eat, which is why people put it on vegetables. However, don’t be surprised when all that healthy veg you’re eating makes you mysteriously chubby.

Many vegetarians are so dependent on cheese they may as well be called ‘cheesarians’, especially as their bodies are now 80% cholesterol.

Smother them in creamy sauce

Unfortunately creamy, cheesy, buttery sauces are so bad for you it makes eating healthy vegetables pointless. This is what scientists call ‘the cauliflower cheese paradox’.

Dip them in what is essentially sugar and fat

While crudités and dips seem good for you, if you’re dipping them into condiments like ranch dressing or honey mustard sauce, you might as well be enjoying that carrot stick with a dollop of Golden Syrup and some beef dripping.

To really cancel out the health benefits of raw vegetables, make sure you scoop up four times as much dipping sauce as vegetable.

Tempura everything

Covering something in batter and cooking it in boiling fat is fairly calorific whether it’s broccoli or a questionable chip shop sausage. But if you call it ‘tempura’ it’s clearly totally different to common people’s ‘deep fat frying’.

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Man in shock after watching ITV for first time in ages

A MAN experienced what he described as ‘cultural brain damage’ after being accidentally exposed to ITV for the first time in years.

After his internet went down, Martin Bishop found himself at the mercy of the actual live schedules. Landing on ITV, he then became transfixed with horror.

Bishop said: “I used to think Channel 4 had dumbed down when they started showing things like Location, Location, Location. That’s like an Ingmar Bergman season compared to ITV.

“It’s got cookery shows, but they’re like shitter versions of cookery shows that were shit to begin with. And did you know they’re actually running a rebooted version of Through The Keyhole?

Emmerdale is no longer a study of rural life but some sort of extended Snapchat. And why don’t they just make one programme called Generic Crime Drama and repeat it endlessly? I don’t think anyone would notice.

“And as for the poor saps who still watch the late-night money-grubbing ‘roulette’ show, I can only weep genuine tears.”

An ITV spokesman apologised for the unchallenging fare and said he hoped Mr Bishop would enjoy the new Sheridan Smith drama Ordinary Person Like You Makes a Lot of Money.