MORE than a millennia ago, the UK faced an unprecedented invasion from foreigners seizing land and assaulting women which nobody resented even slightly. 

Indeed, historical records suggest that, even as Viking raiders set fire to our monasteries, stole our holy relics and made off with our wives, the average Briton took one look at them and judged them to be just like us.

Contemporary chronicler Ethelred of Norfolke wrote: “Awoke to gret commotion down at the waeves, with screams and bloodshed and an immense burning. ‘Invaders!’ a women cried.

“I determined I should investigate, lest this be an attack on our country which should leave us forever changed both religiously and ethnically. But instead I found chaps who, but for their strange tongue, braided hair, tattoos and habits of slaughter, could be my brothers.

“Their leader seemed most fearsome but in person was exceeding polite, sharing an ale with me and making profuse apologies when he had to step away for a moment to disembowel a monk, a task he performed in good grace.

“He explained he and his compatriots sailed here in small boats from a land riven by war and most inhospitable to build a better lyfe, which only the most churlish could deny these fine, upstanding peoples who I am sure will integrate splendidly.

“Even now I am unsure what set me so at ease about him and gave me so little concern. We had a chat about how terrible it is in Iberia under Moorish rule and agreed most heartily. It may be that.

“Either way, I informed him he and his compatriots would be most welcome and should they need to draw alms until they found employe I bade them do so. And if one day he should wish for the kingship, he would do so with my blessing.”

Which is why to this day, the UK welcomes any and all immigrants who come here with open arms, after a swift visual appraisal.

Next week: to 1704, when Sir Isaac Newton separates light with a prism and invents prog rock.