Why I'm better: a first-born child explains

SOME people – usually second or, laughably, third or fourth children – challenge the supremacy of the first-born. Let’s lay this to rest:

Chasing the dragon

Your first experience of key life events – first kiss, first wedgie, first wank – is always the most powerful. It’s the feeling you chase forever and never recapture. That’s what it was like when Mum and Dad had me, the best one. All other kids were just a futile attempt to chase the high.

Photographic evidence

It’s all there in the photographs. Canvas print after framed photo after loving album of my adorable face. The second kid is only ever pictured with me. The third kid never gets pictures printed at all. There’s no photographic proof of the fourth kid’s existence until he’s seven.

New stuff

Who got bought new clothes for and who spent their childhood in my hand-me-downs? Even if everyone assumed you were a boy in my Spider-Man trousers and you fell in a ditch when the wheel flew off my old bike. Because I, the firstborn, am worthy of both expense and concern.

Pushing the boundaries

Everything you did as a teenager? Having your girlfriend over for an uninterrupted night of dry humping? Drinking so much at a christening you puked in the door pocket of Dad’s new Astra? I broke those rules first. I fought for your right to do those things and normalised them. I’m a legend. Not once have you thanked me.

The royal example

The expression is ‘heir and a spare’ not the other way around. I’m the heir because I’m first. The Royals know how it works. And yes, when the parents snuff it I’ll be getting the lot. You can look after them in their old age, though. They’ll tell you all day how I’m the best.

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No, you can't afford a £550 mortgage, bank tells woman paying £950 rent

A BANK has explained to a woman paying out £950 per month on rent that she cannot afford a £550 mortgage because she does not have any spare money.

Emma Bradshaw has been informed that even though she pays more than half her monthly income on the eye-gougingly expensive rent of a tiny flat, she cannot afford to pay less for a bigger property.

Bradshaw said: “It’s a fiendish mental puzzle that I can’t quite comprehend. Almost as though it makes no f**king sense whatsoever.

“I’ve saved a deposit. I’ve proof of my income. I’ve broken down my budget. According to simple maths I could afford it and treat myself to a monthly iPad. But not according to the bank.

“I went through this before the pandemic, but my pay’s gone up loads. But so have houses, apparently. And not incidentally so has my cocking rent.

“Either I’m completely stupid or the entire system’s completely f**ked and we need to destroy it, which won’t happen so I’ll end up living on the street. Or perhaps the bastard bank doesn’t think I can afford that either.”

Bradshaw’s landlord later called the bank to confirm he had been granted a seventh 100 per cent buy-to-let mortgage, and was told that was absolutely fine.