Five actual things that happened in a Reading insurance office this week vs five bullshit nothings at COP26

THIS week has been busy at both Buckle Up! Insurance in Reading and the COP26 conference in Glasgow. But which had the more concrete achievements? 

COP26: Promise to end deforestation by 2030

More than 100 leaders signed up but Brazil’s Bolsonaro wasn’t there and anyway this pledge was already made in 2014 with no discernable effect.

Buckle Up!: Reintroduced evening shift

Suspended for the pandemic, the office has returned to its old opening hours which means 12pm-8pm shifts every six weeks on a rota. Widespread whinging but it’s already started.

COP26: US and EU announce partnership to slash methane

By 30 per cent by 2030 apparently. But most methane comes from cow farts and there’s no practical solution for those yet. Nobody wants their picture next to the cow-fart headline.

Buckle Up!: Told Gary that he’s not homeworking now

It was a difficult conversation, but Gary needed to know that his distinctive unwashed scent is polluting the open-plan office. He came in the next day fresh and chastened.

COP26: South Africa to end coal reliance

South Africa is getting £6.2bn to end its reliance on coal for electricity, which it definitely will use for just that purpose and not just pocket while carrying on using the coal it’s got loads of.

Buckle Up!: Sue’s controversial expenses claim paid

An unpaid expenses claim which has been hanging over the business since July, when Sue had a too-fancy lunch, has finally been settled. A fog of distrust has lifted.

COP26: Leonardo DiCaprio attends

The Oscar-winning actor visited the conference and posed for some photos. That’s it.

Buckle Up!: The managing director’s wife’s younger sister attends

Lucy, the younger sister of the managing director’s wife, made a rare visit to the office and Kyle actually got up the courage to ask her out. They’re meeting at Cerise Bar this Saturday.

COP26: Biden blasts China and Russia for missing conference

The US president told Russia and China they were making a ‘big mistake’ for not attending. The countries in question shrugged.

Buckle Up!: Lauren gets fired 

After strutting in late again, and then admitting she’d broken Sue’s favourite mug, and a customer complaint about her attitude, Lauren got called in and fired. Actually fired. No verbal warning, no written warning, out on her arse. It’s the most exciting thing that’s happened in years.

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Middle-aged man left humiliated after learning cake he enjoyed was vegan

A MAN in his 50s has been devastated after discovering the cake he admitted tasted great contained no animal products.

Norman Steele was tricked into eating, and deriving pleasure from, the cake by his 22-year-old daughter Lucy, who deviously hid the cake’s true nature so he was forced against his will to taste it with an open mind.

He said: “It’s not fair. She’s not even vegan. There was no way I could have known.

“It’s the shame of it all. I openly volunteeed that it was delicious. That it had a lovely moist texture. That the frosting was really creamy. I asked Lucy what her secret ingredient was, and that’s when my world came crashing down.

“Why would she do it? If I’d known it was vegetables I’d never have touched it. I definitely wouldn’t have liked it. What now? Do I have to try other things in case I like them, like liberalism or microdosing LSD?

“I could have really savoured slagging off that cake and telling her Norm’s a man not a rabbit. Now I’m a traitor to myself. What next? Bloody soy milk?”

Lucy said: “For now I’d better keep to myself that it was gluten-free.”