ARE you stupid in real life? Want to feel briefly intelligent? Simply do these obnoxious internet things:
Call everything a scam
Someone posted a news story to Facebook? Superciliously respond ‘you don’t believe that, do you?’ and follow up with ‘of course that would be what the media said’, leaving everyone wondering why and how the BBC would fake a flood alert in Cumbria.
Have no idea about popular culture
Kylie Jenner? Who? And effortlessly you’ve catapulted yourself into an intellectual stratosphere where mere celebrities are so far beneath your attention you’re literally ignorant of their very existence. Three posts before you were arguing that Lewis Dunk is a better centre-back than Mason Holgate.
Retweet someone clever
Why be clever yourself when others can do the hard work for you? Retweet a YouTube lecture about artificial intelligence being the command economy future, adding ‘Fascinating stuff!’ Nobody’s going to watch it or challenge you on it.
The iron rule of stupidity is: there’s always somebody stupider. Find that person – they’re probably trending – and join the mob. Get in a few decent insults and walk away glowing with pride at your high moral standing. It could never happen to someone smart like you.
Find your specialism
Everyone knows more about one tiny obscure area than anyone else. Somewhere on the internet there’s a forum where your in-depth knowledge of 1980s Mazda exhausts can be used to beat people over the head, for their own good.
Your fellow internet users aren’t tweeting about Adele’s tracklist with numb fingers while waiting for buses. No, they are serious people and every word is carven in stone, so if they miss an apostrophe point it out, ridicule them, and consider their entire argument invalid. There. Don’t you feel clever now?