ONCE they have exhausted wild swimming, the middle classes are sure to give other simple activities stupid gentrified nicknames. Including these.
Just as wild swimming looks like regular swimming to the untrained eye, wild sitting will bear an uncanny resemblance to simply placing your arse down on a chair. The only difference will be a slew of Guardian articles dissecting this hot new trend and a bunch of rich twentysomethings from London acting like they discovered this basic human function.
The novelty of drinking in a pub is starting to wear off for trendy metropolitan types. But once they discover you can buy tinnies from the shops and get plastered on a park bench, the craze of wild drinking will be born. It’ll be completely distinct from working class yobs who already get drunk in public thanks to a raft of expensive and unnecessary gear, and an expensive coffee table book on the subject.
Owning an allotment isn’t the preserve of the middle classes that it used to be. Even regular people who don’t have conservatories have been known to fail to grow tomatoes in a tiny plot of land. To restore order, middle class people will embark on wild allotmenting, which is basically growing vegetables in secret on the grounds of a National Trust property.
Wild getting a mortgage
As if getting a mortgage wasn’t tedious or difficult enough, middle class people will inevitably create a new version that involves going outdoors for no apparent reason. There won’t be any benefit to wild mortgaging, it’ll just be another meaningless class signifier like owning an Aga or having a wood-burning stove. You’re just as good, if not better off, without it.
The zenith of middle class bullshit. A wild activity so extreme it will separate the men from the boys. Slicing vegetables into long thin ribbons will be reclaimed by the bourgeoisie as they head into caves or traipse to the Lake District to do it. Meanwhile people who spiralize indoors will be looked down on as the uneducated pleb scum that they are.