Wild sitting, and other activities the middle classes will put 'wild' in front of

ONCE they have exhausted wild swimming, the middle classes are sure to give other simple activities stupid gentrified nicknames. Including these.

Wild sitting

Just as wild swimming looks like regular swimming to the untrained eye, wild sitting will bear an uncanny resemblance to simply placing your arse down on a chair. The only difference will be a slew of Guardian articles dissecting this hot new trend and a bunch of rich twentysomethings from London acting like they discovered this basic human function.

Wild drinking

The novelty of drinking in a pub is starting to wear off for trendy metropolitan types. But once they discover you can buy tinnies from the shops and get plastered on a park bench, the craze of wild drinking will be born. It’ll be completely distinct from working class yobs who already get drunk in public thanks to a raft of expensive and unnecessary gear, and an expensive coffee table book on the subject.

Wild allotmenting

Owning an allotment isn’t the preserve of the middle classes that it used to be. Even regular people who don’t have conservatories have been known to fail to grow tomatoes in a tiny plot of land. To restore order, middle class people will embark on wild allotmenting, which is basically growing vegetables in secret on the grounds of a National Trust property.

Wild getting a mortgage

As if getting a mortgage wasn’t tedious or difficult enough, middle class people will inevitably create a new version that involves going outdoors for no apparent reason. There won’t be any benefit to wild mortgaging, it’ll just be another meaningless class signifier like owning an Aga or having a wood-burning stove. You’re just as good, if not better off, without it.

Wild spiralizing

The zenith of middle class bullshit. A wild activity so extreme it will separate the men from the boys. Slicing vegetables into long thin ribbons will be reclaimed by the bourgeoisie as they head into caves or traipse to the Lake District to do it. Meanwhile people who spiralize indoors will be looked down on as the uneducated pleb scum that they are.

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Six reasonable things which are fascist oppression to a teenager

NEGOTIATING a relationship with a teenager is a living nightmare. Here are six everyday scenarios they will find unbelievably offensive:

Waking up

How dare you think it’s reasonable to try and get your child out of their cosy, fetid bed in the harsh light of the early afternoon? This is the worse thing anyone has ever done to anyone else, ever. You are basically Hitler. They know because they saw a meme about him.

Getting dressed

Your adolescent is perfectly comfortable in their pyjamas, or whatever they happened to be wearing when they fell asleep scrolling through TikTok last night: football kit, onesie, seven-day old pants. Only an authoritarian bastard would force them to shower and put on their school uniform. You are oppressing them and their disgusting smells.

Going to school

Education is just indoctrination, they claim, and they will not be brainwashed into being a good little drone who only exists as a slave to late-stage capitalism. Weirdly, they change their mind about the corrupting influence of money when you offer them a tenner to do the washing-up and take the dog for a walk.

Coming home

You were the one who made them leave the house in the first place and now you want them to come home again to eat dinner? Who do you think you are, a prison guard? They need to spend at least three hours sitting on a wall swapping YouTube links with their friends and vaping. To stop them is to crush their restless, beautiful spirit, you monster.

Eating a meal

If your little bundle of acne and overactive sweat glands deigns to eat in your presence, it’s going to be on their terms: at the time they want, in the room they have chosen, on the beige sofa you can’t easily clean. Oh, and if you force them to eat anything green, you’re a dictatorial arsehole. Dying of scurvy would be better than being stuck in a house with you.


Any form of facial expression apart from a miserable grimace or a sarcastic smirk is off the cards for at least five years. A smile would be nice, you say wistfully, at which point they furiously accuse you of ignoring their truth, which is emotional abuse according to Instagram, and then stomp off to their room, while calling you Swindon’s answer to Stalin.