Woman briefly wonders if cocaine is vegan

A WOMAN pursuing an ethical lifestyle has briefly wondered if cocaine is vegan.

Emma Bradford, from Hackney, raised the query while in the toilets of a South London wine bar, before deciding that it is.

Bradford said: “I think it comes from a tree so that’s fine. The ‘cocaine tree’. It is very important to me that it at least comes from some sort of plant.

“I know some people say it’s got all sorts of other stuff in, it like milk powder and paracetamol, but people also say that yoga can’t cure cancer, so I don’t know what to believe.

“And it comes from South America like my fair trade 95% cocoa chocolate and my lovely hat that was knitted by an orphan called ‘Pablo’, so it’s probably fine.

“Actually, I’m going to say yes, it’s definitely fine.”

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Really liking gin 'not a substitute for having a personality'

PEOPLE who go on about gin have been reminded that it should not be used a personality substitute.

Experts issued the reminder after an alarming increase in people passionately declaring their love for the drink as if that meant something.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most people don’t feel compelled to post on Facebook and Instagram about their consumption of orange squash, or Vimto, so they should cut it out with the gin nonsense.”

He added: “Hopefully the phrase ‘gin o’ clock’ will soon be a distant memory.”

The move was denounced by both gin producers, and the makers of gin-pun-based merchandise including glasses, mugs, coasters, socks, underwear, keyrings, greetings cards, novelty plaques and tote bags.