UK only getting for Christmas what it wanted in June 2016, Tories confirm

THE UK is only allowed the Christmas gifts it wanted on a whim in June 2016 whether or not it has changed its mind since, the government has confirmed. 

Whether it is a Hatchimal, Star Wars Rogue One Lego, the new FIFA ’17 Xbox game or the upcoming iPhone 7 that was requested 28 months ago, that is what will be received and delight is mandatory.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “People don’t stop wanting things they wanted two years ago due to subsequent situational changes. Why would they?

“This Christmas sullen teenage goths will get ponies, dads will get barely adequate 55in TVs, and everyone’s getting Pokemon Go coins.

“Your 2016 self was not wrong, not mistaken, not unaware of the facts or motivated by impulse in any way, and your joy at your new Killer Clown Dress-Up outfit will prove that.

“Though your big present you chose yourself in 2016 might come a bit after Christmas. It’s been a bit difficult to get exactly the one you wanted.”

Labour party members have been reassured that they will continue to get the silly present they chose for themselves when they had a bad day and needed cheering up in September 2015.

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Big wall f*cked

A MAN’s plan to build a big, stupid wall is fucked.

The man had hoped to build a ‘a big, beautiful wall’ along the southern border of his country but that is not going to happen now after lots of people in his country told him it was a really horrible, idiotic thing to do.

The man is understood to be planning some other horrible, stupid things that almost certainly will not happen either.

The man is very angry and sad about not being able to build his big, stupid wall.

Experts said that will make a lot of people very happy.