Woman who wore different tops all week to even up tan with gaffer tape

A WOMAN with clashing tan lines after wearing different tops all week is evening up her skin with strategically-placed gaffer tape. 

Grace Wood-Morris has so many mismatched blocks of contrasting skin that she resembles a patchwork quilt, so has blocked out large areas of her body with the popular handyman’s tape in the hope of coming out even.

She said: “I went out in a backless top on Monday, a strappy one Tuesday, a halter-neck Wednesday, et cetera. There’s barely an inch of skin that hasn’t seen sun, and barely an inch that hasn’t been covered.

“When I’m nude I look like one of those abstract pictures you get in a Travelodge. So I’ve got to take action, and gaffer tape is simply the most practical way.

“I’ve applied it over all the darkest areas and I’m planning to spend the day in the garden, turning like a rotisserie chicken.

“Then on Monday I’ll be so used to wearing nothing but gaffer tape I’ll probably go to work in it. The world’s totally weird nowadays, so why not?”

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Cars driving painfully slowly behind to admire his skills, cyclist believes

A CYCLIST believes he is the envy of drivers who cannot stop looking at him after seeing the long snake of traffic that has formed behind his bicycle.

Martin Bishop, 46, is on a countryside cycle ride in order to avoid his family for the day and has noticed that drivers are giving him intense, passionate stares.

Bishop said: “It’s a pretty cool feeling to be the envy of a whole A-road. They probably like my stylish water bottle.

“Or maybe they’re wondering where I purchased my shorts, which are both sweat-wicking and padded for maximum buttock comfort.

“Whenever I go out on my bike, cars queue up behind me to watch how I tackle hills. Sometimes they shout compliments when they finally pass me. I can’t tell what they’re saying, but their faces look so animated.”

Driver Emma Bradford said: “Why do we have to hold up our journey because he’s decided his hobby is crushing his balls against a saddle every weekend?

“And why did he smile and wave when I beeped at him? He seems like even more of a bellend now.”