Staycationers sending pathetic little postcards

STAYCATIONERS are sending pathetic little postcards to family from places like Weston-super-Mare with pitiable pictures of Britain on the front. 

The postcards, which are as depressing to send as they are to receive, contain no hint of exoticism in either picture, stamps or content.

Hannah Tomlinson said: “Last year, I got a postcard from Auntie Cheryl of a Greek statue with a big cock.

“Its very aroma was redolent of white sand and ouzo, and its slanted handwriting told of an affair with a fellow guest that was long over when it arrived with us, three weeks after she got home.

“This year she’s sent a picture of Aberystwyth. It arrived the day after she’d sent it, the photo could have been taken in 1955 and the message was about getting a parking ticket.

“It made me want to jump in the sea. Though not at Aberystwyth, because apparently it’s full of McDonald’s cups people have crapped in.”

Tomlinson will later this month send a postcard reading: ‘Dear Auntie Cheryl, Skegness is dull as f**k, wish I’d stayed at home to be honest. Sorry. Love Hannah.’

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Couple enter 'everything partner does is annoying' phase of relationship

A COUPLE have confirmed they have been together long enough to begin hating each other a bit.

Lauren Hewitt and Joshua Hudson started dating three years ago and, since moving in together recently, have fully committed to identifying each other’s most irritating habits.

Hewitt said: “I fell in love with Josh for his sense of humour and carefree attitude to life, but it’s his appalling domestic habits and loud breathing that have become my focus.

“I can now see what an enraging and thoughtless slob he is so I know what we have together is real. My behaviour also seems to infuriate him, so it’s reassuring to feel we’re both serious about this relationship.

“I don’t want to jinx things, but I reckon after a few more months of this we’ll be ready to start thinking about breaking up over wedding plans.”

Joshua Hudson commented: “I know Lauren better than anyone in the world, which is unfortunate because she’s a f**king nightmare.

“I guess it must be time to buy a ring.”