Woman who's stopped contouring face forced to admit she's 2D

A WOMAN’S makeup-free lockdown regime has revealed that her previous facial contouring efforts were the only reason she appeared to have three dimensions.

Nikki Hollis initially continued her extensive shading and enhancing makeup techniques for the first few weeks of lockdown for fear of people’s reactions if they saw how two-dimensional she actually is.

Hollis said: “Surprisingly the response from colleagues over Zoom has been warm and supportive. Ultimately, the people who really know me can see the kind of person I am underneath all the makeup anyway – flat like an envelope, but with kind eyes.”

Hollis’s colleague Tom Logan said: “I prefer the natural look in women but I was surprised to see her looking so different at the morning meeting. However, she’s obviously good at contouring so I’ve asked her for tips on how to make my beer belly look like a six-pack.”

Hollis added: “I used to think slapping on makeup was the only way people would like me, but I’ve realised I was just conforming to society’s narrow expectations of how many dimensions I should have.”

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Britain frantically relearning how to get dressed

BRITISH people are desperately trying to remember how to dress their hideous bodies in fabric tubes called clothes.

With lockdown restrictions set to ease up slightly, Britons are wrestling with buttons, clasps and zips in a vain attempt to get dressed properly for the first time in weeks.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “I haven’t changed out of my pyjamas since March. At first it was because I’m lazy, but now it’s because I’ve completely forgotten how.

“I’m not even entirely sure where the elasticated pyjama bottoms end and my body begins. Maybe this scratchy plaid material is part of my skin and I have to wear clothes on top of it?”

Nikki Hollis said: “I tried watching a YouTube tutorial on how to slip on a dress, but it was half an hour long and cut to an advert every two minutes so I gave up.

“In the end I improvised by chucking a couple of gloves on my feet and mummifying myself with lightweight scarves. Have I done it right?”