Woman whose windscreen has completely misted up carries on driving

A WOMAN who has zero visibility through her windscreen is going to keep driving anyway, she has confirmed.

Rather than pulling over and de-misting the windows, Emma Bradford has decided to plough on while swearing colourfully and randomly bashing at the buttons on the dashboard.

Bradford said: “It’s not that bad. I can still see about an inch of road at the bottom of the windscreen, so I probably won’t hit anything.

“I’ve done all the usual things, like turning that noisy dial up to its highest setting and pressing all the switches. This one with a picture of a car with an arrow inside must do something, surely?

“And I’ve put the wipers on their most aggressive speed and squirted water on the outside of the windscreen, even though the problem is on the inside.

“However, everything I’ve done has only made it worse, and now I can’t see out of the sides or back either. But it has helped give me a feeling of control, at least.”

She added: “Oh shit, that cement mixer was a bit close. Fine, I’ll stop. As soon as I’m off the motorway.”

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Middle-class mum getting that new kitchen feeling

A MIDDLE-CLASS mother is getting that thrilling tingle which means her entire kitchen needs to be torn out and replaced.

Joanna Kramer of Derby found herself in her kitchen on Thursday with a rising feeling of excitement at the thought of ripping out all her tired old units and giving the heart of the home a proper refresh.

She said: “I didn’t even know I was thinking it until I started picturing my hand trailing across a worktop of sintered stone rather than this tired old marble. Now I can’t wait.

“After all, this kitchen’s been in what, nine years? And what’s fresh in 2013 is old and stale today. This rustic shaker style’s as outdated and irrelevant as Nick Clegg. It makes me shudder being in here.

“No, I’ve ordered all the catalogues and I’ll spend a few months leafing through, taking my time to savour the decision-making process. Cupboards or open shelving? Ceramic or induction hobs? Should we move the sink to the island?

“Such a rousing feeling to know all this dreary grey will soon be in a skip and it’ll all be thrillingly new. I’m thinking copper hardware and weathered larch. Ooh.”

Husband James Kramer said: “So that’s why she initiated sex last night. Also, no f**king way.”