How to make sure everyone knows you're not watching the World Cup

MADE the difficult decision not to watch the World Cup for ethical reasons? Worried there are people who haven’t heard? Here’s how to tell them:

Go round to theirs

Boycotting the World Cup at home on your own is easy but pointless. Only the postman will see, and he might not understand the deep implications of you watching The Sopranos at 3pm. Go to a friend’s house and before you step over the threshold insist no screen in the house is showing this sportwashing violation of human rights.

Post on social media

Not Twitter, every prick’s ethical there. But on Facebook, where the benighted expect they can just watch England games as if this were a normal tournament, you can really do some work. Post throughout games about the slaves that built the stadiums and the complicity of everyone watching. Be the hero they need.

Go to the pub

Turn up for a group game fans are wrongly excited about, like Poland vs Argentina, seat yourself out of sight of the screen and explain to the barman you must have table service because you cannot see a second of the game because of Qatar’s LGBT laws. Tell him he is welcome to pass this information to no-doubt curious drinkers.

Shun the sweepstake

Workplace doing the traditional sweepstake? Email the whole place explaining that you will not be able to take part on moral grounds, will not be taking advantage of the offer to watch in the canteen, and indeed will consider it an act of violence if anyone so much as informs you of the scores. You got Senegal in the sweepstake anyway.

Invite everyone round for a World Cup party

Next Tuesday, for the 7pm England-Wales group game, covers most bases. Invite everyone you haven’t already alienated, put beers in the fridge and party nibbles on trays, then settle everyone in front of the TV for a screening of FIFA Uncovered, the documentary about the corruption that led us to this footballing nadir. Confiscate phones at the door.

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A studio family portrait, and other signs you're in a tasteless twat's house

LOOKING to get a quick read on whether you’ve just entered the home of an uncultivated dolt? Keep an eye out for these tell-tale signs:

Wall quotes

Whether it’s ‘Let the good time beGIN!’ or a resolutely non-ironic ‘Live, laugh, love’, anyone who wants to decorate their home like a shit motivational Instagram post has zero taste. And a framed poster that says ‘Good vibes only’ really doesn’t work for a couple who spend the whole time bitching about each other whenever one of them leaves the room.

Studio family portrait

Even if you adore your family, it’s weird not to be ashamed that your guests know you spent hundreds of pounds having a photographer take awkwardly staged pictures of you all in a variety of embarrassing poses. Why not just frame a shitty group holiday selfie, like normal people?

Jacuzzi in the tiny bathroom

In this person’s mind, a jacuzzi is the epitome of luxury and they weren’t going to allow something like the minuscule proportions of their apartment’s bathroom stand in the way. As you squeeze into a corner to piss due to their awkwardly-positioned jet bath, try not to wonder whether they regularly have sex in it.

Drinks globe

Having any kind of home bar that isn’t the back of a kitchen cupboard is naff, but choosing to purchase a giant novelty globe that swings open to reveal your Campari and white chocolate Baileys is the height of tackiness. Is a mirror ball design tackier than an olde worlde map? Hard to tell.

Fake fruit bowl

Do they want people to think they’re healthy? Because a bowl of fake fruit is the quickest way to prove the opposite, as it’s obviously not real and is covered in a thick layer of dust. It serves absolutely no purpose because it doesn’t even look nice, and as a decoration is no different from having a trough of plastic meat in your living room.