BBC dumped Tories in 1996

THE BBC has told the Conservative Party to get over that time they dated back in 1996. 

The broadcaster went out with the political party for three months twenty years ago but broke it off when they found them to be too weird and controlling. 

The BBC said: “At first the Tory Party seemed quite glamorous and wealthy – they knew a load of celebrities and old rock stars – but it soon became apparent they just wanted me to keep my mouth shut and look pretty.

“I told them I was old enough think for myself but they just threatened to take away my income if I didn’t do as they said.”

The party had a similarly short rebound relationship with Channel 4, who ended that relationship after just three weeks when they asked them to ‘stop hanging around with so many oddballs’.

The Tories have recently accused the BBC of flirting with too many viewers and has said it does not even understand why people think it is attractive. They say their new partner, Sky, is way nicer and has Game of Thrones.

Despite telling everyone who will listen what a boring old slag the BBC is, they still insist on being told everything they are up to so they can say whether they approve or not.

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Married friends pretending to feel sorry for divorced man

THE married friends of a recently divorced man are trying very hard to sound like they feel sorry for him, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley, 36 from Durham, divorced six month ago and now lives alone in a flat in the city centre where friends fear he may not have made the slightest effort to find out how to use the washing machine.

Malley’s friend Roy Hobbs said: “I would go and see if he needs cheering up, but my sister-in-law and her four children are coming for a weekend that will be noisy and tiring, yet ultimately deeply fulfilling.

“When I got back tonight I found one of my kids had diarrhoea and the other was struggling with his maths homework  and I had failed to buy milk and bread on the way home despite receiving several text messages on the subject.

“Whereas when Steve got home he ordered a takeaway, watched football and updated his Tinder profile. His is a dangerously empty and meaningless existence.”

Another friend, Mary Fisher said: ‘‘I worry that now Stephen does not have my happy routine of domestic chores and family obligations, he is trapped in a meaningless cycle of casual sex and nightly pub visits.

“Tomorrow I’m going to a children’s soft play centre, then Burger King, then a supermarket. Meanwhile he’ll be lying in bed, probably feeling sad.”