Express readers to discover incredible world beyond weather

READERS of the Daily Express are to be introduced to a strange new world of news that is not about the weather. 

Following the newspaper’s purchase by the Mirror group, its loyal audience is to be gently brought into a landscape of government policies, economics and sentient people who live in other countries. 

Express reader Roy Hobbs said: “No, see what it is, we’re going to be hit by an unprecedented winter snowbomb so we need to take statins. 

“Someone’s doing Brexit? People? I thought it was a natural phenomenon caused by low pressure in the West Midlands. 

“And I had no idea they were still making new celebrities. I thought they’d stopped after Kate Moss was involved in that hurricane.” 

Express editor Julian Cook said: “We’ll have to go slow. We’ve inadvertently managed to convince them that migrants fall from the sky, like rain.”