GB News presenters in the order you'd have sex with them

IN an admittedly unlikely scenario, you might have to shag all the presenters on GB News. So what order would you do them in, and is there any way to minimise the trauma? Let’s find out.

Michelle Dewberry

Obvious frontrunner as she’s fit, although Christ knows you wouldn’t want to listen to her bullshit about Brexit AND The Apprentice. However any sexual attraction will instantly be quashed by recalling the dreadful title of her GB News show: Dewbs & Co.

Bev Turner 

Used to present ITV’s Formula 1 coverage. So if you’re into the tedium of the Grand Prix and wildly exaggerated news reports about woke bastards stopping you celebrating the bombing of Dresden or whatever, Bev’s a hot date. She’s also the last of the cuties, so now it’s time to have sex with…

Laurence Fox 

As a former actor Laurence does have vestigial good looks, but his increasingly undead appearance suggests his obsession with anti-anti-racism and Sadiq Khan is draining his life force. Avoid vigorous sex with Loz in case he crumbles into dust like Dracula. Although it shouldn’t be too hard to curb your sexual attraction.

Dan Wootton

Dan gets a boost in the rankings because unlike the other dregs he has an actual, if worthless, career as a showbiz journalist. He’s also fairly normal-looking in a ‘gym wanker’ sort of way. However given his total obsession with (and apparent hatred for) Meghan Markle, you get the feeling he might be into some pretty unsavoury sex games involving you in a dark wig.

Emily Carver 

Works for the right-wing thinktank the Institute of Economic Affairs. Probably has some great pillow talk if you’re into radical free market ideas like sending children down uranium mines.

Neil Oliver

Was pretty popular on Coast, but the conspiracy rabbit hole beckoned. Not a DILF hottie but pretty inoffensive, the drawback to shagging Neil is that you couldn’t introduce him to your friends. Sane people find it hard to believe anyone thinks a SPECTRE-like organisation is controlling world events, so they assume ‘the Illuminati’ is code for ‘Jews’. As soon as Neil opens his mouth you’ll never be invited to the pub, a party or a wedding again. 

Nana Akua 

On the GB News website Nana seems genuinely thrilled to be hanging out with twats like Lee Anderson. No bad thing in itself – what could be more attractive in bed than a woman with pitifully low expectations?

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Apart from his irksome pomposity, sex with Rees-Mogg feels somehow unnatural, like doing it with a ghost, or a corpse. The 19th century cosplay is all bollocks of course, but with the frequently top-hatted Rees-Mogg, thoughts of Jack the Ripper would never be far away.

Camilla Tominey 

One of those Telegraph columnists who inverts reality in their own right-wing parallel universe, recently claiming ‘Britain’s only growth areas are entitlement and laziness’. To whom was she referring? Boris Johnson, maybe? Benefits claimants? No. Just Stop Oil. Er, what? She’s probably equally confusing in bed: ‘That’s the sort of pathetic orgasm I’d expect from a mung bean-eating Marxist transgenderist!’ SHUT UP! NOTHING YOU SAY MAKES SENSE!

Eamonn Holmes

Eamonn hasn’t done himself any favours with his sour grapes-fuelled mini-vendetta against Phillip Schofield, gormlessly forgetting all those pictures of him being pally with the vile predator. Sexually, it’s off-putting for even the most committed celebrity chubby chaser.

Calvin Robinson 

Pseudo-vicar who was rejected by the Church of England due to his batshit libertarianism and Covid denial. He’s actually a member of the Free Church of England, whose tiny congregation is presumably due to them all dying of coronavirus. Shagging may be off the table as he appears not to believe in sex before marriage. Which is a f**king blessing.

Nigel Farage

Sorry, Nige, you’re bottom of the shag list. It’s the combination of lies, egomania, racism, bullshit, hypocrisy, rudeness, fascist sympathies and looking like an evil frog. So nothing personal.

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How to drink your recommended five pints a day

EVERY adult should be quaffing a minimum five pints of beer or cider in the sunny weather. Squeeze 96 fluid ounces of booze into your day with this guide: 

Have a boozy breakfast

Breakfast pints are the most important pints of the day. If you don’t wash down your burnt toast with at least one, you risk having to confront your dead-end job with 100 per cent clarity. Avoid that grim fate by swapping morning apple juice for something equally healthy, like a Heineken Light.

Take a bottle to the office

Hide your drinking habit in plain sight by swigging Stella from a water bottle at your desk. Nobody will suspect you’re knocking back precious units while blearily studying a spreadsheet, instead assuming you’re simply one more worker who cannot survive an hour without hydration.

Don’t skip liquid lunches

In our fast-paced corporate world it’s all too easy to have a pint-free lunch break. It doesn’t have to be that way. Instead of lukewarm tea in the canteen, head to the nearest Wetherspoons and double park yourself with a couple of Doom Bars. A side of chips is useful cover if your boss walks past.

Add beer to every meal

Beer’s often added to stews and pies, but with a bit of creative thinking pints can enhance  every footstuff. Would Super Noodles taste better if they were swimming in a pint of IPA? Could a chicken Marsala be made with bitter instead of wine? Do Frosties go well with Special Brew? The answer to all these questions is ‘if you’re drunk enough’.

Host a party

When it comes to getting your five a day, parties are to pints what smoothies are to fruit. A decent party will easily meet your target and maybe even double it. Not got an occasion to mark or friends to invite? It’s probably the two-month eve of your half-birthday, which is ample cause for celebration alone in a beer garden.