GB News vs TalkTV: Which reactionary right-wing televisual shite will you prefer?

WOULD you prefer to see Piers Morgan being a gobshite or Nigel Farage being a tosspot? Take our quiz and find out which of these terrible new channels is for you.

Do you pretend you don’t secretly think fascism sounds like a good idea?

A) Yes. I pretend I just want a bit of common sense back in this country, before quickly sliding into my usual batshit opinions about putting woke people in camps as soon as I feel comfortable enough.

B) No, I’m out and proud about how much I hate foreigners, gays, women and anyone I consider to be dangerously left wing, like Boris Johnson.

Do you prefer American-style glitz to traditional old-school British crapness?

A) I love a professional-looking show with loads of zippy graphics, like Fox News, the channel which is trying to single-handedly save America from Marxists.

B) Absolutely not, it’s a load of fancy nonsense that distracts from important news stories about Nigel Farage shouting at the RNLI through a megaphone.

Do you hate wokeness?

A) No. I’m not against people having opinions. I just don’t want them showcased on television because they’re wrong. Julia Hartley-Brewer says so, okay?

B) Yes, but the truth is that I’d be sad if it didn’t exist as I’d have to get another hobby aside from being incandescent about made-up shit all the time.

Do you think Piers Morgan or Nigel Farage would make a better Prime Minister?

A) Piers for sure. He’s a stand-up guy, aside from all that business about phone hacking celebrities. But they probably deserved it for being liberal, tree-hugging, BLM kneelers.

B) Farage because he would deport anyone who isn’t English and heterosexual to France where they belong, the perverts.

Do you have any interest in the actual news?

A) No, I just want to see annoying twats moaning about bullshit.

B) No, I just want to see annoying twats moaning about bullshit.

Mostly As: You’ll enjoy the swanky sets and top media stars offered by TalkTV, before quickly becoming disillusioned when no one suggests the RAF strafe dinghies as a solution to the refugee crisis.

Mostly Bs: You’re more suited to the shoddy sets, bad lighting and gammon-baiting opinions of GB News, which is essentially like watching Acorn Antiques staffed by the BNP. Enjoy it while it lasts.

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Isn't it long past time vaginas were banned? By Sarah Vine

HARDWORKING, decent men like Boris Johnson are easy prey for any woman with a vagina, as Angela Rayner’s slutty behaviour has proved. A word of sisterly advice, Ang, you’re no Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas more like it.

Which raises the question, is it time to ban vaginas? Let’s get these hateful reproductive organs out of public life, out of television and books, and out of our schools’ endless transgender lessons.

I propose that vaginas should be kept at home, only to be viewed by a woman’s husband, in the marital bed, on special occasions like his birthday or Christmas.

If a woman must venture out in public, they would wear special loose canvas jumpsuits, made especially baggy at the crotch to prevent even the slightest hint of pudenda.

Draconian? Perhaps. Necessary? Yes. How many more men must have their lives ruined before we act? Blameless, respectable family men like Boris Johnson, Wayne Rooney and Prince Andrew. All lured away from domestic contentedness by amoral hussies trading their vaginas like so much no-so-fresh fish.

Sure, the woke brigade will object. ‘This is really weird,’ they’ll say. ‘Misogynistic and not in any way practical.’ Their hysterical moaning proves how low this country has sunk. During the war our soldiers weren’t thinking about vaginas, in fact nothing was further from their minds. They made do with a cup of tea and bayonetting the odd Jerry.

The fact is, men are powerless in the face of vaginas. We need to wean our males off them with more wholesome activities, such as exercise, charity volunteering or running a local boy scout group.

Do I feel any guilt at suggesting we effectively imprison my own sex? No. I’m no misogynist. I hate everything equally, animal, vegetable or mineral. I’d like it if squirrels had their tails amputated. That’d stop the smug little freeloaders looking so bloody cheerful.